Pseudovegan believer, agnostic , baccy addicted, money spending 19 year old homophile with ego.
Cloudy Afternoon Friday, December 11, 2009 10:04 AM
Wow I'm actually starting work today as a towel attendant after being jobless for two months. Now I finally can start saving and spending my own money, yay. I think I'm just going to save up my pay, and use my money on food cigarettes and water.
I don't think I'll be doing any shopping, OR, I'd just buy something nice for my dad's coming birthday. To Sharifah, if you're reading this, I'm sorry I can't get you a gift this year, just like last year, when I promised to get you a P.O.D album, I don't think I'll get much this month anyway.
I think I should save up for my birthday as well! Maybe I can buy me a Macbook and finally have a computer of my own. Or I should get myself one of those terabyteHDs (1000GB yo!). Haha, at least my parents would stop yakking at me about finance.
Ah yes, my dream. Strangely for the past two days I've been waking up at nine-ten ish. Strangely early I know. And for some absurd reason, I've been dreaming about people I've missed so much. Like two days ago, I dreamt about him. I don't remember what it was about, I knew specifically that the entire dream was about him.
Today, I woke up remembering every detail of last night's dream. I dreamt about Nenek. I dreamt I was pushing her around in her wheelchair, bringing her to places I always did - a mall, a park, a museum, always trying my best to put a smile on her face. I even forgot that she isn't here anymore. We carried her up the stairs, my sisters and I.. mom wasn't there though. Dad was. Hmmm..
I also remembered I dreamt about being an actor - one of my most accomplished dream, but not quite there yet. I dreamt I was acting alongside Adrian Pang, Joakim Gomez[?] O_o, some lady actors I'm not entirely sure of, and we acted as lego firemen clearing out a fire, and meeting some doppelgangers (A ghostly double of a living person that haunts its living counterpart).
It was funny, I remembered laughing at my other half. My mouth was wide open, and I went, "Iiiiiiiammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....... Shah.(abruptly)" and everyone started laughing haha. I also remembered I had super long hair. Awesome possum.
Sigh, I guess it was all just a dream. Now to get back to folding towels.
Oh btw, I've been quite active on Stickam lately, either dancing, or listening to songs, or just talking about topics I feel everyone has to listen to. So if you're free, do check it out. :D
Most of the time when I'm live on cam, I will update it on my twitter, so if you haven't followed me, follow me already! Twitter: ShahariSuhaimi
Omg no. I can't believe I accepted the job offer which I rejected the very first time, about like what? 5 months ago? Hahaha, I guess the saying goes, "We're back to Square One."
It's funny when I think about it, I have been jobless for two months, and now in times of desperation because 1) I'm broke 2) I'm so bored at home 3) I'm getting fatter eating every hour at home, I decide to take up the job which I so didn't want to do in the first place.
But oh well, at least my bestfriend is my colleague so she can be there for me when I have trouble getting used to working there. What more when my previous three jobs are heavily involved in towels, and now I'm gonna be looking at them the whole damn day! Yay! O_O
Hahahaha tickle me silly, but it just hit me this morning when the HR called me up to tell me to come sign the contract within this week that I will now have worked at 4 fitness centres. All 4 major fitness centres in Singapore. Awesome Possum. Yet, I have not lost any significant amount of fat. LOL
At least now, I am not doing front desk, I'm just handling towels. No more member issues, no more complaints, no more 24/7 phone calls, no more handling enquiries, no more collecting payment, no more taking in bullshit from the sales team. Awesome Possum (stfu). All that nonsense will be handled by my bestfriend from the front of house. Wahahahahaha.
To think I'm earning $1 less than the part-time recep(s). Can't wait to start work! :D
Joy To The World Thursday, December 3, 2009 8:08 PM
Yeah, I know Muslims don't celebrate Christmas, but hey, Christmas is a holiday anyway, and I'm excited. I don't even know what I'm excited about but when I listened to David Archuleta's new album "Christmas From The Heart", I fell in ♥ with his voice (as usual), in love with the songs, and therefore, in love with Christmas.
I've celebrated Christmas before, and I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with just a gathering of friends exchanging gifts, and wearing nice clothes. Kind of like Eid celebrations in a way. True Christians celebrate the beginning of a new light - Jesus Christ being born onto the world from the Virgin Mary. Muslims should not forget and regard that too, that our Prophet (pbuh) was born 2000 years ago on the 25th of December.
But hey, it's not like we're celebrating Jesus as Lord, neither are we celebrating it in any special significance to religion, but I think for non-christians alike, we celebrate Christmas for the sake of a social, harmless, peaceful gathering.
We will never say bye-bye. Saturday, November 28, 2009 4:03 PM
Death is inevitable. I never realised how common the usage of this phrase is, only because it's true. It's been twenty days since Nenek left me, and tears now are like a knee-jerker everytime her voice comes in my head. Especially when I go through videos of mine for the sake of boredom, and I come across this to make me cry all over again.
Twenty days is too far short to forget someone. Not when it took close to 5 years to forget someone as well. So it's definitely waay too short when my closest friend in the world calls me up from overseas to inform me that her father just passed away.
I'm so sorry love that it had to happen. I'm sorry that he left you and went back to Allah. Fly to up to where he is in the distant star, we all pray and we wish upon tonight to see them smile, if only for a while to know they're there, a breath away's not far to where they are. ♥ -Josh Groban
I teared when I got her call, because just yesterday I was thinking about death, how death can just come upon us anytime, anywhere. I'm not scared of death, or pain, but I'm so scared if I leave my family behind, and I don't leave them memories, I want to be there. That's why I believe Nenek is still there with me everywhere I go.
So it's soooo depressing when I got the call to know that your father left you too. It's one thing to lose a grandparent, it's another to lose a father. Remember, your father isn't the one who gave life to you, but your father is the one who took care and loved you for the past twenty years of your life. It hurts to lose this person we love so much.
Death can take us anytime. I don't want it take of anyone else in my life, not my friends, not my family, especially when we didn't see it coming. Yet, we have to face it. Death is inevitable, and it would take our love ones whenever it pleases. It's already written. At least, love, he passed and celebrated Eidl-Adha, at least you got to spend it with him. I spent it by the graveyard.
Just be strong, my love, I was there too. Have I moved on? No. Not even after twenty days. I will be there for you, I'll be strong for you, I'll be behind you all the way, if you ever need me. Now, what you need to do, is to ensure your mother receives love from you too, because hey, as much as you've lost your father, she lost her husband who has been there much longer. Give her the love he gave to you.
But always know, my dear, he will always be there to watch over you. ♥
I realised I have lots to talk about Friday, November 27, 2009 1:20 AM
Wait, they don't love you like I love you. Ma-a-a-p-s. (Go figure)
It's sad when your friends and family tell you that you've gained weight so quickly. I admit defeat - I did gain so much weight for the past two months, I'm so afraid the weighing scale might outweigh me. I'm not blaming the fact that I'm jobless, or the fact that my mom cooks food I really like everyday although my sisters don't and they resort to instant noodles (no favouritism there, la) but I'm blaming myself for being such a lazy bum. I admit defeat.
Speaking of favouritism, I have to point out something to everyone who reads this. There is no favouritism in my family. Everyone treats everyone the same. I do not like it if someone said my parents are overspending on me, because frankly, I've been spending my own money for the past five working months. It's just that now I'm broke, and my room just came, so my parents decide to buy stuff for the room, quite obviously. But never say there is favouritism and I get my parents to buy me whatever I want, because previously, whatever I wanted I got it with my own money, thanks. Start to realise that they will be spending alot for you too, DOUBLE of you, for your room next.
Do not call me lazy if you say I don't look for a job, I do. I've searched and applied for more than 50 jobs, without getting any calls back, let's face it, I can't speak Mandarin. I won't resort to FNB or retail outlets, because I've had bad experience from Spinelli and Giordano. I get to work in the fitness centres by mere chance, not because I personally applied, I swear. Working 6 days a week for 5 months wasn't easy, and definitely wasn't lazy. Please respect that.
Speaking of my room..
My room is half-complete, I'm only left with getting my sofa bed, and just deco(s). Everything else is perfect. I just need to get rid of my old bed, it really cramps up the room. No matter how cozy you think it is, Ayin, I honestly feel claustrophobic with little space to walk and breathe. I haven't officially thanked my parents though, I think I might do that once it's completely done. They've put in so much money into my dream room. Well, hey, I haven't had my own room for 5 years, give me some credit to making it green, yea? Next it would be my sister's turn - reminder: your room will have lots to be spent on too.
Syafiqah got back her PSLE results yesterday, and wow, I can't believe how proud I am of her. She always had a hard time passing her Math, but it was such a teary moment when I saw her getting a 'C'. She got 186, more than enough for a place in N(A), so be it. My family wasn't expecting her to go to Express, cos even if she did (and she missed out by a few points), I think the stress level would literally kill her. My parents were so happy for her, really. I wished I could have done my parents proud during my O'Level Years, but I tried to do something good out of that by being duper-hardworking in ITE.
Now to you, and you know I'm referring to you.
You hate it when I nag at you. Well guess what? I'm only your older brother. You can't expect me to be like the other cool brothers your friends have who doesn't give a shit about what you do in life. I care deeply about you, I ♥ you, and despite for my lack of updates, I know you will still read my blog. Since that's what your peers these days are so interested in, I guess this is the only option I have to get my message across.
I've told you a million times that I want you to study, and as much as you have improved, it's only all written on paper. At the end of the day, this paper reveals IF you have studied well enough to get a better future AND I've told you a million times, I don't want you to end up like ME. Less than one year, and you will be leaving the school with pride and confidence, not scurrying away relieved that your O's are all over.
I tell you to do this and that, is just so that you know what you want to do, and how you want to build your future. Arts? Business? Nursing? I will be behind you all the way. But the first step to success is to actually have a goal. Right now, I don't think you have any. You need to make a decision soon. If you think you're gonna end up in ITE, might as well drop school and go there now. BUT if you think you're gonna be better than me, just like how you were better than me during PSLE, then buck up.
We're angry at you for your mass messaging even though it's free, only because you have to realise it's time to set aside your social life, and think of what's important - your education. Boyfriends, girlfriends, bitch fights, whatever it is that's so important to you right now has to stop. Focus and use your energy in books and writing rather than on your peers. This goes out to your stream of friends who are reading this as well - your life is short. Spend what's left of it wisely. Start with studying for your dreams and better yet, your paycheck. Take it from me.
You may support your sister only now with her personal life, but trust me when, you're as old as I am, and you're looking down upon her the way I do, you would want the best in her education as well.
I'm just sad that sometimes my actions (as well as my parents) can be seen as annoying, or blatant comparison, or plain naggy. Trust me, love, we won't nag at you if you start where you left off a year ago. You had so much time in your hands, you could have done something good to reflect at the end of the year, unlike me, who didn't go to school, got fired, and is probably going to live off his parents for the next few months until he finally gets back to study after one whole year without any education. Do you know how much I crave for that..?
At least I have these three whom I can relate to in times like these. No one except my mom can be as understanding as them. ♥
*
I only picked this up because Ayin and Fin mentioned that it tastes awesome after the ball is crushed. Well it tastes like mentos for a short while, but it just tastes like another chilled cigarette after it's gone. Not liking it. At least the box is nice. Still going back to Virginia, USA. Macam paham.
Even though it was barely less than 3 hours, I still had a goot time catching up with me Expressos, although Sharifah and Nasiha couldn't make it. Always happens that somebody can't show up but it's all good. The time will come again soon. Anyhows, I guess these bunch of friends oh whom we celebrated 7 years worth of friendship together are really the ones I turn to if I ever needed someone to talk to. I'm pretty sure if won't be those awkward situations as if we met people we don't know.
I really miss Sharifah and Nas.
Anyways, my pretty green room will be done really soon, in terms of furnishing anyway. All that is left is just a pair of curtains for my main windows, the 'L Bend' has been furnished with curtains this morning, I'm waiting for my sofa bed to arrive any day now, a small cupboard, a study table with a tiny stool, green rugs for the floor and the 'L Bend' and just lots and lots of deco. I'm still deciding on what to get though. Maybe I should get a new green lamp too. Teehee.
Well just needed to update a little bit about life before I forget what happens on the 23rd of November 2009.
Anyway, it really sucks that Asians like me get stigmatized in white countries like the US and Australia, I'm sure it bothers all of us..
..so why am I really bothered that there are Filipinos everywhere in our tiny little island. I just get irritated seeing them.
"i wanna say tht i miss eu so much and i heart you always gurl"
It's funny how nostalgia works. I was just browsing through my archives which dates back to year 2005 a few minutes ago because I was that bored, realising how much I've actually grown physically, and emotionally. From writing like the above to the way I write my entries now really goes to show how much every individual will mature with age. For me anyway.
4 years ago, I was the 'diva' the pretend-to-have-it-all, the pseudopopular one, the 'biatch', the you-totally-raised-my-ratings (whatever ratings I had back then -_-), with a strong 400 readers/day, always so ignorant to avoid sensitive issues, failing to comply to blogging etiquette of professionalism.
Now, I'm the quiet, low-profile [?], forgotten, lonely, who-cares-about-ratings, always so depressed, 12 readers/day blogger, who thinks before he blogs about unwanted hearsay and misconception on how people will see him.
Some of us tend to be more childish or should I say - the doing things parents stopped you from doing when you were younger dilemma like late-night parties, drinkdramas, popularity, fashion, drugs.. considered as "IN" in an age when we near our second decade of adulthood. I guess, for me personally, I see myself shying away from these, because I've had a taste of most of it, that it's about time we start thinking about the lengths we go to satisfy our happyness or rather highness meter.
Like many, I have gone through so much pain, endurance, sacrifices, pretty much evident in my blog archives, and thankfully, there's nothing to regret with my past life? It's made me the man I am today.
I'm just saying, it's times like these I feel like there's more to life than just life.. or death.
I don't know.
The things I say these days are very incoherent, jumbled and confusing. Maybe that's the use of a blog after all. To quickly scribble down how you feel before the climax of your emotion (noetic science) fades away. Speaking of cli-stuff; I think there's a serious climate change in our world. Australia is so goddamn hot last I heard although I recalled wearing layers around this time the last I went, and Singapore has mysteriously become really coldof late. No, it's not the rain. It's just really different I swear.. like really cold.
I think I shall lay a new quote: "Don't give in to Death, let Death give in to you." I don't know. Past visits to the grave made me senile or verbs to what others might perceive as such, heh.
Oh btw, did you know that loafers actually mean 'Person who does no work' or 'Bum' or should the Malays call it - 'Penganggur'? Haha. I wear expensive loafers cos I fucking am one.
Baby, I can feel your halo Sunday, November 15, 2009 10:56 PM
Pretty.
I know it's just the wind, and the vast amount of plain fields, resulting in your colorful wheels to turn, all very much scientific knowledge.
But when I came the second time round to change your tombstone sheets, when I said "Hi," I felt like you responded to me by spinning excitedly the minute I came. I couldn't help but smile. It could be God, it could be my grandmother, and it could just have simply been the wind, but hey, I felt a peaceful, endearing, lovable presence that I miss so much around me when it kept spinning.
I hope you always spin your colors whenever I come around. ♥
Shaddap, the world won't end in 2012. Saturday, November 14, 2009 1:54 AM
I wouldn't give my heart and soul to love 2012, because in the end, I just think about how much money was wasted on such a film when that money could have made greater impact if they touched more on issues that we could relate to.
(Spoiler alerts) (Warning, my English is horrible in this. Didn't check my spelling, my grammar, my stanzas are like jumbled everywhere, I didn't put much thought to it, just wanted to jot everything down before I forget what I watched.)
In the beginning we see this man rushing down to India to find out that earth's core has been heating up the water system that in a matter of years, the world will destroy itself in some seismic rupture - tsunamis, volcanoes.. all that jazz.
Comparing it between Director Emmerich's two films - 2012 and The Day After Tomorrow, I'd say the latter was more relatable then 2012 was. So what's soo bad about 2012?
It's just really random and confusing when the black man was preparing for the happening. Within minutes the movie has jumped to year 2012 from 2009 which was very confusing and most of the time I couldn't understand what was going on. Sometimes I believe in an attempt to make the movie looked more "smarter" they use scientific knowledge in which most wouldn't know about and voila the world is going to end.
From reviews I've read, yes, they're right, there were too many moments I LOLed at and I don't think it was even meant to be funny to begin with. And did anyone notice that Emmerich was really updated because when the President stepped in the camera moved slowly upwards to his face and guess what - it's the Black President, woohoo. Who btw, I find a very stupid President to lead the country in times of need.
I think his daughter was pretty redundant to.
Which made me think really, that they have prepared 6 or 8 arcs to save only the rich, not being able to save everybody, as if the government really is hiding a secret from the world. I mean what's Emmerich's stand on this?
I didn't do a heart leap when the world starting destroying itself though, it's pretty much gonna end up the way the director wants us to think - dead. What I hate about it is the fact of how one family can survive near death experiences with one singular car surviving earthquakes, one singular jet plane flying in the sky while trains are flying in mid-air, one single lucky russian plane, flying all the way to China, while the rest of the 40billion people in the world die. It's much to cliche.
What's funny was when the main actor was in the trailer, and he nearly fell into like hot lava, and as the camera shoots near the edge, you see a cheesy cliche hand grabbing the edge and surviving something most wouldn't survive. Lol.
What I liked about it tho was how it makes me tear up with their family soap opera. The stepdad wanted to fly off already but the stepson said "Don't go! That's my father!" Even though he was calling his father by his name throughout the beginning of the movie.
It's kinda funny too that the crazy radio guy had a bloody map to go to China and Jackson just happened to be at Yellowstone who then just happened to steal the map and flee.
But I gotta admit the CGI effects were fantastic, they looked real and yes, scary. Tho, I expected more, after watching the trailer. They didn't mention much about the Mayan prophecy. I think it was mentioned for less than 16seconds and that was it? Huh.
And I really can't relate to the movie in any way, is it gonna make me stop polluting the environment? Oh wait, they didn't even mention about how the world started to destruct itself in the first place. It was more of it was bound to happen seeing that the earth will just end one day just like that. Unlike 'The Day After Tomorrow', the world actually destroyed itself because the Ozone layer depleted so much that the sun caused the polar icecaps to melt therefore causing a mass dump of freshwater to the earth which then led to another ice age, etc etc etc. So we can relate to that, you know?
And wahhh can selitdaunlah Jackson, his ex-wife's husband died and minutes later he had to remove the thing stucked in the wheels causing the gate to not close, and then wham- titanic moment. People were already dying and we just had to wait for you to finish kissing and save the bloody ship.
And what the hell, the ending was so bloody cheesy. They got to see a new day, wow, a mass spread of ocean. But wait, apparently the earth's plates didn't breach as much as they predicted so Africa was rising again. HUH?!
Overall - the acting was bad, the script was bad, alot of scenes were redundant, it didn't relate to us in anyway, they completely missed out on the Mayan prophecy, cinematography was only good when we saw mount Everest (which btw is stupid too that just seconds after it collided the mountain, Jackson managed to save the whole goddamn arc by removing the thing at the gate.), it's too cliche, it's too-good-to-be-true since the hero NEVER dies, it doesn't make sense.
The only good thing about the movie is that we laughed at parts we shouldn't laugh at and the CGI effects were fucking awesome. THAT, you can relate. You can actually feel like you're there and you're gonna die anytime soon.
But you won't fucking die, why? Cos the director will make you miss death by a split second takeover the ground in a fucking plane. Twice. And a limo too.
Long And Winding Journey Wednesday, November 11, 2009 3:12 AM
Slowly but surely, I have picked up the pieces. My grandmother who now resides in Heaven is probably having the time of her life.
But she's not alone. No, I don't just mean that God is there for her.
My grandmother's bestfriend - her younger sister, who passed away a few years back must have welcomed her by the gates of Heaven with all the other angels. Ameen. :)
What's strange about it is that.. my second-cousin, dreamt of them long before things happened. She dreamt that she was in a mall, walking along minding her own business, and then in the middle of nowhere, a giant spectrum of light floating in mid-air. It was Heavenly, it smelled of flowers that will never fade, trees that forever blossom, and in this "heaven", she saw my grandmother, and her younger sister, NekMisah (my second-cousin's grandmother), walking (take note, my grandmother has limited abilities in walking when she was alive), taking a stroll, laughing, smiling, and they never seemed happier.
My second-cousin then walked towards it, feeling all light and happy, and that there could never be another beautiful and peaceful place, but as she tried to step into that place, she was blocked by some invisible barrier, stopping her from entering.
"What is this?" she cried. Yet before she could say anything further, the two grannies waved at her and told her to go home, that it wasn't time for her to come in yet. As my cousin turned to walk away, she saw and felt the area around her black, dying and melancholic. This was when she realised, this was the real world.
..and she had this dream way before my grandmother died.
Sometimes, coincidence can be too good to be true, and that you would rely on strong faith to believe in such. I'm still a liddle confused, but one thing's for sure, I know now she won't be lonely in Heaven, even though I really miss her. :)
Life has to move on I suppose.
end of entry.
Fall Wednesday, November 4, 2009 12:37 AM
Fish, was the last thing we talked about. Piranhas, sharks, electric eels, man-eating snakes, tarantulas, scorpions that poisoned her village when she was younger.
That was my last goodbye. That was my last hug. That was my last kiss.. before you left me.
I still remember your toothless grin whenever I come knocking on the door, bringing you your favourite wheel potato crackers where I'd sit by your walking stick talking about how salty they were.
You'd make me eat once every hour, because you know I can never get enough of your Red Curry Chicken. I even brought them to work once, and that was the last time I ever had that.
You'd cook for me when I'd say I might be dropping by, and in the end a whole pot of chicken will be left untouched because I would somehow be delayed or had other things to attend to.. I never got to apologise to your for that.
Back in your stronger days, you always brought me my paper thosai because you know I loved that too.
You never want to sleep while we're still around even though I knew you were sleepy, you always waited till we went home. When we drive off from the carpark, I know I'll see you waving at us by the kitchen window.. yet tonight, you weren't there.
Back at Toa Payoh, you would wait by the sidewalk till we drove off just to wave goodbye at me. Now it's my turn to say goodbye to you.
You couldn't wait to see me be born into this miserable world so much, but you saw so much happiness in me. In fact, you gave me my name. Instantly, I became your favourite grandson, and you, my only grandma.
So it hurts so much when you go. It hurts so much that I don't get to see your beautiful, toothless grin when I come knocking on your door. It hurts so much to see an empty sofa without a walking stick by the side, it hurts that you didn't wave goodbye.
No other cousin of mine feels the way I feel. I've lost somebody who meant the world to me. I've lost the one woman in my life who will never raise her voice at me, even though I can be such a bastard at times.
I didn't even get to see your eyes open at the hospital.
She always told me, "Call your dad, he misses you, call him, he's lonely, visit your dad, it would cheer him up, visit me, I just came out of the hospital." I never knew that those words would create such an impact as I'm jotting this down.
And I'd remember back when I was little, I told you I'd be a road sweeper as well so you would be less tired, you'd rest, and I'd do all the work for you. ("Nanti Shahari besar, Shahari pun nak jadi orang sapu sampah, boleh tolong nenek, jadi nenek tak penat.")
*
A fall. A bloody fall. A fall was all it took for God to take you away from me, to take anyone from me. Now that my dad lives alone, what happens if he fell and I didn't know? What would be the last words I say to him before it happens?
So please.. if you had to be clumsy, don't say "Mak aku jatuh, eh pocot nenek aku jatuh.." do you really want that to happen?
Don't ever argue with your mom, for whatever reasons, cos you will regret it when things would suddenly happen.
"From dust you came, to dust you shall return." So my little yellow rose will accompany you by the dust. My yellow rose will be your friend because you always loved flowers. I'll bring you a different one everyday.
Yet somehow.. when I saw you taking a sniff of the ground.. you looked so peaceful, and there and then I knew that you don't need us to pray for you. Why? Because I know.. you're already in heaven. You were made by the flowers of heaven.
I miss you nek, I really miss you. But I know, God loves you more than I do, so I shall submit to Him, I know our Lord won't disappoint either of us.
Assalamualaikum, nenek Minah binte Yasin. May Allah hug you whenever you feel lonely up there for me.
Hi everyone, my beloved grandmother just passed away today at about 6am. Spare a moment for the dear departed. :( :( :( I miss you nenek. You were the last of my grandparents. I know now that Allah loves you more and wants you to be with Him.
You Are The Only Exception ♥ Thursday, October 15, 2009 3:00 AM
Think of me when you're out, when you're out there I'll beg you nice from my knees And when the world treats you way too fairly Well it's a shame I'm a dream
I could follow you to the beginning And just relive the start And maybe then we'll remember to slow down To all of our favorite parts
I can't sleep, so I guess blogging helps therapeutically. Yeah, I've been pretty down of late, thinking, swearing, pitying, drowning myself with Hoes @ the Gaarden (lol), and I'm still tired, although I have been lazing around at home for the past 4 days.
My $income$ is slowly depleting, I can only wish that I would remain cooped up for the next two weeks till my pay comes in, really. But I do need to get out, get some air and find a job. My body wants to work, but I keep forcing myself to take a break, and clear my head.
On a side note: Gosh I've been spending alot on myself. Clothes + My hair mainly. But at least I know, I spend it based on my hard-earned money, not by holding out a hand to my mother. O_o
I mentioned that I'm really thankful for my friends, and I really am. We've been through so much shit close to 8 years now, those of which I can really call Best Friends, not forgetting my mom- She's my #1 bestfriend.
I'm glad I've matured from the stage in which I wanna keep dating guys, or meeting them for some dirty business, in which I find it all so very foul now, if I do meet someone, I'm into settling down and bringing him or her to meet my family.
I'm also glad that I've never had vogue-bapok days, yes - I may not be fit and slim, but I'm not extreme gayboy either. I'm thankful I was never interested in dancing around like a slutty fag and join a dance crew because that's what stereotypical homos do. Neither do I like Hip hop/RNB, sorraye, I'm an Indie/Rock/House/Pop Culture kinda guy. I'm a simple, maybe a liddle overdressed, arrogant asshole, who goes through life like every other straight person - wake up, eat, work, the occasional exercise routine, sleep.
Safe to say, in terms of faggetclopedia, I've browsed through it without a sniff of envy, and thank GOD I'm more straight than most fags can ever be. Some may call me the homophobic homosexual I guess. I hate prissy, primadonna, vogue, ignorant, self-centred, obnoxious and most importantly oblivious faggaaaats. But I bet they can't understand half the words I just used in my blog. They only know how to speak with an accent (which may sometimes come off as Pinoy or just really bad Singahpolean pronunciation.)
I don't know why I decided to talk about that. Maybe it's the fact that I hate extreme homophobia, where gay people like me get stigmatized in such a way that all we ever want was cock. I guess that's why I lost my job. Office homophobia. Fucken backstabbing straight jerks. It sucks. Lol. I'm trying to prove a point, but it doesn't seem to cut across as understandable much.
I'm also soooo glad that I have these girls as sisters. I'm so glad that Shakinah is one tough bitch who may hang out around guys, but isn't some sluddy hoe. I'm really thankful that she stands up for her own family that she loves. I'm thankful that Syafiqah is one cant-be-bothered liddle grown up girl as well. She knows how to play it cool, and to keep it realin', only being her colourful self around her family. Alhamdulilah, I have these kids.
I guess, I've learnt that my motto in life, is to always be there for your bestfriends for life (BFFLLOL), and most importantly - family. There the ones who are there, and it's just rude to point fingers and names to them, that it's better to always be supportive in whatever they have or not have done for you. ♥ If anyone says shit about my family, I'll be sure to see to it that they would bite their tongue and regret - likewise, my family and friends would and always will do the same for me. Ameen.
I've just been given two weeks termination letter. Yes, what the fuck.
To think I actually love working at fitness first, and I barely worked a month, I've been told to leave. I'm depressed.
Suraya - "How do you find working here?" Shahari - "Enjoyable."
And I meant it.
The reasons why I was told to leave? I argued at the counter. Fine, I admit, it was wrong. Still I think a 1)verbal warning 2) warning letter 3)final warning would suffice.
I came back late from break, cos I fell asleep in the office. Fine, I admit it was wrong. Still I think a 1)verbal warning 2) warning letter 3)final warning would suffice.
Team uncomfortable with me around? Yes, I admit, I can be quite annoying at times, heck I'm the youngest. They didn't mention anything about being uncomfortable. But I don't think that terminating me is quite necessary. You could have just told me off.
Moodswings? Everyone has moodswings, but it doesn't affect how I do my work! I get pissed off when people make fun of me yes, but I don't think the way I work is any worst!
Reluctance to change shift? I don't think I was ever reluctant except for yesterday? In fact I don't think I was reluctant, I was just curious to know WHY I had to change shift! Do you know how many times I changed shifts with the others because they needed to? I DID. Was I reluctant? NO. It's just because of yesterday's abrupt and sudden call, that made you feel like "Oh, this is enough evidence to terminate him."
Hogging on the phone? Oh for pete's sake, everyone there hogs on the phone, you just don't know it, bro.
Fuck.
These things are sooo minor. If you really didn't like the way I am, you could have just given me warning letters. Face it. You're one fucking homophobe. If I was a girl, everyone there would like me, because it's easy trying to be all girly and stuff. But guess what, bro, this is just the way I am.
But I know what's your agenda.
You didn't wanna send Nisha off to Capital Tower. If I didn't come in, you would have made her full-timer anyway when Santhiya left. But guess what, you took ME in. Now that HQ was gonna send Nisha off to CT, you didn't want that to happen so you made her full-timer at my place. Plus, Halma was the only Senior CSO. They need more responsibilities. So someone had to go, why? Cos there were enough full-timers. So who did you send off? ME.
Those things you said were such perfect good excuses to cover up the shit you're in. You feel that it's easier kicking me around like a dog, just so you have a better team. Fuck you. I'm still on probation, and you didn't even give me a verbal warning. You just let me go. Fuck you, Suraya, fuck you.
I love my job. I LOVE IT. I said, my colleagues were the best colleagues I've EVER had, and you let me go. It's barely a month. Where the heck am I supposed to get another job so that I can survive for the next few months?! How the hell am I supposed to face my family?! The thing is, I try sooo hard to do things right at work, I try sooo hard not to repeat the mistakes I had at True Fitness.. and now this?!
The fact is, I didn't do anything so serious like steal company money, or bring down the name of Fitness First. I didn't.
Fuck you.
You know what's more depressing? Life.
I did well for ITE. Didn't get to school. I didn't do much wrong at work. I get fired.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Was it because I drank, God? Because I promised You I wouldn't drink if my life took a better turn? That I drank when I met Yatee and Fendi, not to get drunk, but just so they would shut up? Half a glass of bourbon coke. HALF. I barely tasted ANY alcohol. Is this why?
I know Eid is a time of celebration, yet I know that 2009 will be the most depressing Eid ever, something only my sisters and myself will understand. Some of you might know why. Eid is one issue I avoid talking about at all costs, I don't even wanna think about it. But with the whiffs of kek lapis baking in my house, I can't help but get pangs of sadness thinking that Eid is in two days time.
I promised that I won't talk about my family anymore, and I won't. But I guess it's about time everyone accepts that my family is no longer together, and that we cannot keep lying to clueless family members that we're still together. It's been 4 years, it's time to let go, I guess. Maybe that's why I'm not looking forward to Shalya's mom flying here either.
You might ask me, how do I manage to move on from our family's separation? Well.. I haven't. Accepting it is one thing, but living it is another. Get what I mean?
I wish.. well there's no point wishing.
Well, just in case I don't blog before malam raya, let me just wish all Muslims a wonderful and blessed Eid-l Fitri! ♥
It's a wonderful feeling with the love in the room from the floor to the ceiling its that time of year Eid time is here with the blessings from above Allah sends his love and every thing's okay Eid Mubarak its our holiday
end of entry.
Bitter Heart Tuesday, September 15, 2009 2:23 AM
I spent my salary
Giving my mother money
Buying Eid shoes and hand bag for my sister(s) - must buy double lor
Bangles and earrings for my sister(s)
Toiletries
Lots of new clothes (thus the picture above)
My sister's birthday gift
It's completely mental. I've never spent so much money in a span of three days. Now I'm gonna have to survive the next three weeks with less than how I would survive on. Shit. But at least there's Eid to cover, so at least I will get money from my parents, and hopefully I can force my dad into giving me his Clothing Company Claim if I submit all my receipts to him! *prays*
Speaking of praying, I've been praying lately to God as in Allahﷲ, like a normal Muslim. I don't know why, but every time I Sola' I feel more sincere in praying instead of just clasping my hands together.
Ramadan made it even better for me to be more patient and just seek Him because I'll know he's there. That being said, I'm not religious, but I do believe in Allah. As in, I don't practise Islam as much as I believe in Islam - if you catch my drift.
If you must know, I quit drinking a looong time ago. ♥ Now I just need to tackle my smoking, and Alhamdulillah, my sticks have been dramatically reduced.
Speaking of sticks being reduced, I would like to talk about work at Fitness First ☺. The job scope is amazing, I swear, it's much simpler than True Fitness will ever be, and I'm happy that I can go home on time. I don't have to extend over 2 hours and not get any claim for that, but I can get them for Fitness First, yay!
My job scope is reduced by 50%, yet my pay has been increased by 50%?! How wonderful is that?! Plus the fact that it's in AMK, la! Can you imagine, I start work at 2.00PM, but I only wake up 30minutes earlier?! Good pay, less work, near distance, what's there to complain about?!..
..Customers. -_-
Cheebye, the one thing I hate about FF is the fact that the crowd at Raffles Place (RP) are completely different. From handling people of better manners, better clothes, better language, I have to entertain 60 year old aunties who bring market plastic bags to go shower. Chaocheebye. And trust me, handling an old fart with wrinkly abs at AMK is far worst than handling Donald Trump at RP.
Speaking of reducing my sticks.. Did you know that my cigarettes were stolen?
And I suspek kuat my colleague yang curi, wa'llah. I mean, I left my newly bought cigarettes, only had one during break, and left my sticks in the counter drawer while I work. Happy happy la, leave there, can trust my colleagues what. Then when I went home.. my box only had one stick left, and it looked tattered. What's worse.. the damn cigarette tak diketuk' and trust me I ALWAYS ketuk my cigarettes. *scratches head*
Lagi worse, we've apparently had cases of stuff going missing from out counter. It's either toyol, or colleagues' hands gatal cannot keep to themselves. I pick the latter.
My colleagues are.. different. I mean I do have to adapt and stuff, but they belong in a completely different world and.. I don't even mind not being able to connect. Put it this way, they hate house music, I love house music, I hate techno, they love techno, I go to Zirca, they go to Dbl O. End of story. ☺
Well whatever it is, I'm still happier being at FF than TF, albeit the fact that I really miss Jessa my Pinay friend from TF, but hey life has to move on. Oh hello! It's my sister's birthday today!
And.. Shalya's mom is coming this Friday. I'm.. not looking forward to it. I'm not looking forward to Eid either. She might know why. I'm working on that day too, sigh. I have new clothes tho. ☺
The sunken eyes, the bated breaths, the heart crushing job, all the pain, all the shame, and all the worry, the fatigue.. of True Fitness.
FUCK YOU KANINA CHAO CHEEBYE PUKI SUNDAL TETEK OK BYE~!
I don't know what came of me. Lol. Sorry I'm just being childish. That said, I'm extremely happy that I have finally left True Fitness and joined Fitness First. Right about now, I'm too tired to say eveything about life, but one thing's for sure, I can feel it getting better already. Now that I'm getting paid 50% more, I can finally work, feel happier, and start worrying about getting to Poly. ♥
Now that I have more time, I'll start blogging more often. TTYL! (Tetek you lazat!)
Back in your stronger days, you always brought me my paper thosai because you know I loved that too.
Back at Toa Payoh, you would wait by the sidewalk till we drove off just to wave goodbye at me. Now it's my turn to say goodbye to you.
So it hurts so much when you go. It hurts so much that I don't get to see your beautiful, toothless grin when I come knocking on your door. It hurts so much to see an empty sofa without a walking stick by the side, it hurts that you didn't wave goodbye.
Yet somehow.. when I saw you taking a sniff of the ground.. you looked so peaceful, and there and then I knew that you don't need us to pray for you. Why? Because I know.. you're already in heaven. You were made by the flowers of heaven.
