Listed Havoc

Dangerously in love

2012-02-02T01:01:00.002+08:00

I keep doing the same thing to myself over and over again. It's like I never learn. Time and time again, I will come across some guy, a guy that meant the world to me, of how much he has changed my life significantly, for better or worse, and it ends up failing really badly because I simply cannot get over the face that he's straight.

When it was with Joshua, it took me a good three years to finally get over him. I brought Joshua's memories all the way to ITE, so much so that my imagination took the better of me. I started having delusions about a "Joseph", I started imagining and deluding myself into believing that I had an actual boyfriend, that I wasn't alone in this world. Time and time again, I turned to the Allah or Jesus or to Allah again. I got over him by meeting Nigel.

How I got over Nigel? When Fin told me straight to my face that he's simply not interested. It was a point in my life I would never got. I swallowed two duromine tablets soon after, and I swear I could have ended my life right there. What was the point? I don't know how exactly I got over him, but I did eventually. Oh, I think I just accepted that I was forever alone.

Firdaus? Hmm. I think I never got over him. Funny, I've never met the guy. I think I just really like the idea of him. Till today, I will think about him, and perhaps I think about what I would picture him to be, and how he would be like if he was gay. Alas, I would then slap myself silly and just remind myself that he's a figment of my imagination.

Hafidz.. well. I keep telling myself that I'm over him, but I guess I'm not. I don't know why I can't stop thinking about him. I like him. I like how he can be so religious, so nice, and everything that I want. But then again, he's not exactly everything that I want. I mean on a superficial note, he has really bad taste in music. He's knowledgeable in Islam, but he ain't street smart. He hates rollercoasters and I absolutely love them. He's not keen into trying new things. He's too conservative. He has a bad sense of humour (it's either him or me, honestly), he's emotional but he doesn't share it with me, sometimes I think he's aloof, or maybe he just doesn't even appreciate me as a friend honestly.

I'm just waiting for my birthday to pass. If he truly cares about my birthday like how I did for him, perhaps I would give him another shot at being at least friends. If he doesn't bother.. well.. it shows a lot eh? So perhaps I'd get my heart broken much more then, proceed to punch myself and I guess, start moving on. Back to the days of being forever alone.

I know Allah is always there for me, and I know that he doesn't want me to be this way, but honestly, how long can I go on like this? I'm sick of being alone. Yes, I know, this is a fallacy of the dunya, I know I should strive for the akhira', but I can't help it. I'm only human. I fall for humans too. Humans on the other hand, don't fall for me. Cats do. I should want to believe so anyway.

Ah well. Happy Birthday Squee.

One year later.

Exercise

2012-01-22T16:19:00.002+08:00

I hate procrastination.

I know how to exercise. I know how to maintain my diet. I know how to pray. I know how to be a good muslim.

I'm not saying that I don't do any of those, I do, but I procrastinate to the point where sometimes I just don't bother at all.

Once in a while, I make it a point to do my exercise routines at home. I dance to Hotpants Workout for my cardio, and then I do my weights. I haven't gone to lower body workouts as much as I'm focusing on losing fats as much as possible, and then I know the right time to eat, the calories I should be taking in etc.

Yet, here I am, blogging, eating Roti Kirai and watching Kollywood movies on Vasantham, reading 9gag, when I can be exercising, praying, doing my school projects and working.

I'm done blogging for now.

Ombak Rindu

2012-01-18T02:19:00.001+08:00

I finally met Joe Brooks! He can fill all my Holes Inside heh heh.

Apart from the last post I ripped off Tumblr, the last time I blogged on this thing was like.. February 2011? Goodness that's long.

Why have I decided to come back to blogger? Because

Tumblr is getting too mainstream for my liking. Besides I don't quite understand it's interface, and the whole following others and re posting nonsense gives me a headache. Also I think it's getting too mainstream is everyone's posting funny/artistic/hispter photos, and suddenly everyone wants to know what you're updating.
Livejournal is such a bitch to log in to, and I kinda hate the interface. It's quite ugly and Wordpress looking. No offence to wordpress users but uh I do find them both pretty ugly.
Facebook/Twitter has become a platform for people to be absurdly kpo, me included, which brings me about my post today.
I still like the simplicity of Blogger, and now that not many people use it, I can update as I will without having to make things as private.

Where do I begin?

Life has been strange for me since I last left this, but in all honestly not much has changed.

No wait, let me take that back. A lot has changed since February 2011. Since I've adapted to this "forget about my past" notion lately, I'm sorta referring back to my old Facebook statuses and photos to refresh my mind.

I joined Nura to work at Universal Studios Singapore when I quit California Fitness about 7 months ago. I started out as a casual worker (heh casual worker eh) at Jurassic Park Rapids Adventure (JPR) then I transferred to Lights Camera Action, New York, and I've been there ever since.

LCA during Transformers Staff Preview!

Long story short- Nura was my Team Leader, and working with your bestfriend is a no-no. I transferred to LCA due to Phase 2, and I enjoy working there, with the spieling and meeting much loved colleagues. No offence to those in JPR, but hey I wasn't properly signed off to know many of you anyway.
I got myself an iPhone and I have a love/hate relationship with it. I love it cos it's my everything, I hate it also cos it's my everything. It's something only iPhone users can comprehend I suppose.
Things with the family have been relatively peaceful. No fights between the parents. Just teenage angst among us kids. The girls are getting boyfriends and dates, and yes, I'm still single, but I'll get back on that one later. I do believe Mom and Dad are over each other, and it doesn't kill me inside as much as it did last time, simply cos I've moved on and so have my parents. Definitely.

My dad got a promotion :) He's finally getting more pay this year, more responsibilities. It's so heartwarming to see him a little happier, you know, after having lost my grandmother and all. But me and the girls do take the extra effort to visit him more often now.

Mom's been pretty active in baking, with taking orders for birthday cakes and what not. I have been a loyal yet disgruntled cake designer, la, had to be me, with no commission. Not that I'm angry about that but she could be nicer to me when she asks me to design something for me.

Syafiqah's slowly drifting apart, but I guess it happens to all those turning 15. She'll come back eventually. I did. Shakinah did. Syafiqah dated Khairul who used to like Shakinah who has broken up with Achap (thank God), and started seeing other people. I don't know what's the update between her and Hilman now though, and I honestly don't really care.

What I mean by that is only cos I believe that they are at the age where they don't need support from me, but they need to discover life by themselves. Learn things the hard where. Should anything happen to them- break ups, failing of modules etc, it's only a matter of time before they mature. If I were to press on, they'll eventually just grow to hate me even more I think.

Us in KL!
Syafiqah's doing 6 modules now, no F&N thank God, but with P.O.A. I honestly think POA isn't that difficult so I can teach her if I had the time. Shakinah's doing pretty well too in ITE, but she has been skipping classes and that worries me a bit. I hope she knows what she's doing. Other than that, well the usual you know. Birthdays, holidays, bitching, fighting, cousins getting married, cousins getting divorced, Shalya's getting married wtf, rudeness.. what's new. But things get better at the end of the day la.

That's a pretty long post about my family.
I've gained weight. I've actually gone back to what I was before my eating disorders. Ever since I left the gym, I've been gaining so much weight from overeating at USS, and the lack of exercise. When I do go round to exercise and diet, I lose interest within days simply because I couldn't give a fuck. I still don't. Not now anyway.
I got a cat! Initially I was quite against the idea considering I thought I was allergic to cats (I think I still am, to dirty hobo ones) but Squee's pretty much my soulmate now, and he's been closer to me than the rest of the family. He's a cute little black/white tuxedo cat [local cat but I wanted him to sound more atas, ala a breed], and he's one of the reasons why I can go broke pretty quickly. But I'm part Chinese, so I'm gonna believe that he brings in luck, because finances in this house have been pretty steady, what with a new TV and all.
School has been.. interesting. I had to repeat Stats and Office in my Year 2, sem 1. That plus all my other Year 2 mods have been a bitch for 6 months. Finance and Efma have been such bitches. They're so difficult to understand. Fortunately for me, I cleared them all. I've yet to take Business Law next semester.

TEP started off with me working at MSC. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I hate my team mates, but I'm pretty much a skilled actor who has played the hypocrite game pretty smoothly. I hate how they assume that I'm incapable of doing work when I honestly believe I have better potential. But since I'm Malay, I gave in whenever they spoke in Mandarin (oh those racist bastards). Ugh. I failed this round because of something stupid that I did (it involved a forged document) but I have moved on and I honestly don't wish to talk about this anymore.

I'm now doing classical studies, in which I have yet to complete my assignments (LOL) and then I'll proceed to Events Management and Road Shows (EMRS), where we'll be on full-shifts. I will prove myself then. I have had the experience, and I really need to chase for my grades if I wanna pass and graduate on time.

My friends in school.. what friends? LOL. I honestly couldn't give a fuck about my schoolmates except for Ayin, Zdh, Fin. Not much change there.
Cycling like gangstas.
Friends? They're pretty much the same. Yatee has passed the one-year mark on her relationship with Hanan. Ayin and Teresa are reaching two years. Everyone's graduating and working now.. but we haven't met in a while. Yet, I honestly couldn't give a fuck.
Love life. Ha. Ha. Long story short- I met someone new in LCA. Abdul Hafidz Siddique. Heh. He's a Chinese/Japanese/Indonesian/Indian/Arab mixed boy from NUS Science. He.. changed my life.

During our date to Fish and Co!

Initially he was just a 10-5 (pronounced ten-five) - a crush. He was one of those cute mixed Muslim boys who were smart. I tried to smooth talk him at first, and it failed. Cos he's straight. I moved on with my life you know, the usual - partying, drinking on the weekends, sex on the weekdays, etc. But I got to know him a little better, vice versa, and we got closer. He changed me in a way that made me realize some things in my life. We went out a few times, but ultimately it just didn't work out between the both of us, but we're still pretty good friends/colleagues. I got over him.

I have to say, he's a kind of nice that isn't seen in many boys nowadays. He's liberal, but he can be conservative in a few areas, he's smart, yet he can be so aloof in many areas too, he's fit and manly, but can be quite the metrosexual sometimes, and mostly, he's very faithful to Islam.. despite having a bad past as well.
Religion - I'm a Muslim, again. This time round, I think I'm gonna stick with it for a long long time. Hafidz has taught me things that I have learned before. Things I knew way before he did considering I was madrasah schooled and he wasn't. He just had to remind me of who I was in this world, and who I should be living for. I'm living for Allah. I'm living for the 5 pillars of Islam.

I'm proud to say that it's been a good three months since I drank alcohol or smoked a cigarette, Alhamdulillah. I rarely miss my prayers, and even if I did, I made sure that I performed at least ONE sola' a day, if not I would feel out of place.

Braces. Enough said.

Braces will be off soon!

I'm kinda getting a little tired typing, so I shall stop here. I think I will update this blog on a regular basis from now on, and if I get inspired I will post something. Lol. There's still a lot of things I must have missed out, but honestly now I just couldn't be bothered with anything. I'm not too sure if it's good or bad, but then again, I couldn't be bothered if it's good or bad.

All I know is that I'm happier now I guess. I got a good job. I got good friends. I've got a wonderful-ex-crush (the best, by far, followed by Joshua). I've got more money to spend. I'm en route to graduation. I breathe and live better now. I feel happier in the sight of Allah. I've let go of my past, dark life, and moved on. I listen to better music now (fuck LOL). I think I look sexier now. My braces are going off soon. I'm getting biceps (sort of). I've got wonderful friends, and a wonderful family.

I guess I just needed to post this to remind myself of how fortunate I am. I have been sad lately, cos of Hafidz and being all forever alone, but then again, I don't really care LOL. I suppose that's why I'm so apathetic these days simply cos there aren't many problems to solve except my school assignments. I'm pretty sure that once I graduate I will continue as a full-timer in USS.

So I think that's about it. Life's been good. Alhamdulillah.

Copied off tumblr since 23/3/11

2012-01-18T01:06:00.001+08:00

So I started this Tumblr in hopes that I get my enthusiasm in blogging back. I’m not hoping to achieve some kind of a trend or what have you here, neither am I proclaiming that I am some artistic/deep/profound/indie/writer title which many kids these days use since the existence of Nikon cameras resurfaced last year,according to them.

Instead, I will use this space of mine because

It’s interface is pretty shit.
It works pretty alright on my iPhone.
My old blog from blogger.com is messed up.

So if you happen to pass by my Tumblr, you can read if you wish, but move along and continue reblogging the artistic photos that you so fondly come across. Otherwise, I’ll start this entry proper. Meh.

Ever since I turned 21, I’ve been thinking about issues that I never thought about then. Maybe it’s the whole, I’ve been given charge of my own decisions as a young adult that led to me being fundamental in a lot of things.

Work. Money. Faith. Governance. School. Sexuality.

To cut things short, work is that bitch who condescends you head-to-toe once the school holidays start. I feel like I’m not given enough for the efforts I’ve made. Yet it’s true, our government does pay the minimal to low-paid workers, and the sky rocketing salaries to the big bosses. Obviously this is hardly fair especially in my line of work, where the things we do are tantamount to what the Sales team does. The only thing that separates us is the bloody certification I should hopefully receive by 2013.

The thing is, will I go far with that stupid paper? Like it or not, our country is segregated by race despite our vows of racial harmony. Would they take a Malay Diploma holder, or a Chinese one if it’s a career in the office, for instance? No, really.

Don’t even get me started that I am of mixed heritage but I’m not born late enough to have both my races be stated in my identity card.

How about government intervention when it comes to opposing (pfft) sexualities? Why can’t lgbtq(s) start families and apply for HDB loans just as much as the heterosexual couples? Yes, it’s a huge step considering our Asian culture, but it’s a step nonetheless.

..and when the debate rages on, the best defence that they have is that majority of the practiced religions here are against the idea of gay rights. Rights, I ask you? Watching gay-themed movies isn’t a right. Public display of affection isn’t a right. It’s in fact unlawful. But honestly, does the system really believe that’s what we are fighting for?

No.

It’s the recognition of legal gay marriages, no wait, housing loans, no no wait how about ministerial positions. Oh wait no.. It’s our rights to be human, just like the rest of the straight people that take up the seats of parliament.

You know, the election is coming up. Yes, my chance to vote. But I can only do so much considering my estate is pro-straight people with no opposing parties. Still, the opposing party might have a bigger influence to what I believe in, and how this country should change, but I have little doubt that this unlikely change of governance will never change the social status of gay people here. Sigh.

This is what you call, a system.Things happen here, because they just do. Nobody gives a shit who you are, just abide by the system and hopefully you’ll live long enough to actually spend your CPF Savings. Homosapiens have come to the point where, a system has to take place, otherwise a listed-havoc (old blog reference lol) of crazy convenience store robberies will take place. Unfortunately for where I live, vendettas will occur around the same time Jesus turns gay. Then again, a small demonstration puts you in jail so.. have I said enough about the system?

Speaking of Jesus.. my door to Him may have opened slightly. I attended a service last weekend and truth be told, I was moved by this openly registered gay church. Yes, that was no spelling error. So much so that I might actually bow down to the cross for the final time.

The reason why the door opened only slightly?

..my door has got a rubber stopper that’s being held firmly by the system. Maybe a Quran too.

Quick.

2011-02-21T08:14:00.002+08:00

So it's been a while.

But I'm having exams this week.

Until then.

God help me.

twenty eleven.

2011-01-11T14:18:00.002+08:00

I once wrote in a blog a long time ago that I can't find the reason to the notion, "Things happen for a reason." I never got round to figure it out, and it's a question that bugs me from day to day.

But yesterday, after I saw my sister crying cos she did quite badly for her O Level examinations, I found one reason. Lol.

I realise I haven't blogged in such a long time, so let me just summarize 2010. In a nutshell, I've been mostly consumed by school, work, and my love life. I can safely say that my love life = zero. Again, I was too consumed by the likes of Nigel/David/Fir what have you, that I realize that nobody actually gives a shit about me (with my family being an exception of course). I've seen my friends fall in love, fall out of love, get pissed off with love, but in the end I realize the biggest love I've ever had was love for myself.

Not that I'm trying to be narcissistic, but I really do think that it's because of love for myself that kept me going in life.

Okay the reason- I've always questioned why I had to face the breakage of my family a few years back, why my grandmother had to die, why I had to go to ITE etc. Well I've found my reason for my being in ITE. Or at least a gift or an epiphany or what have you.

That gift came the day I got an exemption letter from MINDEF.

I've been exempted from NS for 2 years, yes? But I replaced that 2 years with my time in ITE correct? My years in ITE helped me through to poly, correct? So have I wasted any time at all? No. My friends who went to poly after high school are now serving their time in NS, while I'm serving my time in school. Once I graduate in 2013, my friends in NS would ORD.

So it's quite fair in terms of time-wastage isn't it? Let's face it. I was lucky to not have entered NS, and I may not experience what you boys have/had/are going to have, but who's complaining? I'm not. You shouldn't complain too, considering I spent the same amount of years as you.

I can't say the same for my ITE graduate friends who are in NS though, I'm sorry :\

Wait, you know what? I'm not gonna summarize 2010. It's too much in the past (and I'm also too lazy to type about everything that happened lol). Let's just look into 2011.

I'm not gonna plan 2011. I wanna live my life the way it comes to me. I'm not depressed or anything near when it comes to my redundant love life. I'm gonna be strong. I'm gonna live the next two years in poly the way it should be lived- stressed. Lol. But as corny as it sounds, I really can't wait to run to the other end of the rainbow to see my pot of gold- my diploma (even bigger lol).

As for my sister, I hope everything goes well with her. Whatever path that comes, it comes.

At least I know that we're gonna have three diplomas (or even further) by the end of 2015. :)

I'll keep searching for my kind of perfect.

2010-10-08T03:45:00.002+08:00

I was thinkin' about ya. I drew a little picture but some things you can't put on paper like, "You like shooting stars", or "write songs on guitar". Heh, got more things to do than stare at a mirror.

He's anything but typical, he's a sweet suprise. No matter what, he's looking at the brightside. It's gonna be worth it I suppose cos that's what love is. I'll keep searching for my kind of perfect.

They say, give it time, and it will fall in line but I keep wondering how and when and why I haven't met you..

But I know, he's gotta be out there.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right, maybe I just let you walk by. What can I say, maybe I've known you all my life. Is he the one, is it today? Will I turn the corner, see my future, in a beautiful face? Maybe.

I'll keep searching for my kind of perfect.

I hate where this is going

2010-10-04T17:06:00.006+08:00

I'm sick of being made look like the the bad guy. I'm always to blame for everything I do, and being made responsbile for everything someone else does.

It's always "Shahari! Why did you tell your dad about my affair?! Shahari! I thought I could trust you! Shahari! You're supposed to help your parents get back together! Shahari! Can you please look out for your sisters! Shahari! Please cover up for me, I'm going out somewhere tonight! Shahari! My sister thinks you were so drunk so I kinda used your name to cover up for the fact that I came home late! Shahari! SHAHARI! SHAHARI!"

Shahari, how did you get yourself into this mess?

Shahari, you went out to party at your own accord. You got drunk at your own accord. You've gotten drunk more than alot of people out there. At the end of the day, Shahari, you know how to get yourself home, and you know how not to cross the line. Shahari, this is YOUR LIFE. It's yours to destroy, it's yours to make feel better, it's yours to lead.

But.. it doesn't belong to other people to use it as an excuse. It's not your fault that your parents got divorced, it's not your fault that you're born the first child, it's not your fault you were born gay, and it's definitely not your fault when your friends' families can't find their daughters, especially when they lie saying that you were drunk at the back of someone's car, when all you were doing was being safe and soundly asleep in bed.

Shahari, it's not wrong that at this point in time, you wanna be left alone, you wanna play the sociopath, because frankly, all the fingers are pointed at you. You've been through so much shit, you don't need others to make you feel equivalent or more. You are nobody's puppet for your friends and families, you are not the ragdoll everyone punches and stick needles in whenever someone has a problem with their social and love life, neither are you a ragdoll whenever someone is bored and they needed company. You have no strings for anyone to pull together. You pull your own strings.

Stop letting your barrier of love and guilt making you do things that don't roll your way. It's about time, you breach it and cross the line and say and do things that might hurt others intentionally, only because for once you want to be heard in detail and not be judged just by the surface or snippets from the daily prophet.

Or as Lady Gaga would say- "Stop calling, stop calling, I don't wanna talk anymore."

Forever Alone

2010-10-01T01:14:00.002+08:00

The best Forever Alone pics I've seen by far:

The Sims Story

2010-09-22T15:15:00.004+08:00

Once upon a time, there lived two boys, Shahari Suhaimi and Joseph Archuleta who met each other when their mothers died and ended up making their sons stay at home by themselves. Yadayadayada. Since this is my love story, obviously, eventually they fell in love, considering they stayed in the same cheap terrace house together.

Cheap the house may be, poor they are not. They were extremely rich as their mothers left them a ton of money which they got from God a.k.a the author of this story via a Simoleon Bank called Cheatcodes. Shut up, this is my love story.

So they lived in harmony with each other. They ate together, they went for picnics together, they exercised together, they cooked tofu dogs together and they made out and Woohoo!-ed each other quite a ~~bit~~ lot.

Eventually, Joseph felt that it was the right time to move this relationship to another level: He proposed to Shahari. Awwwwwwww.

The wedding reception was held at the nearby Riverwalk Church, as the mosque didn't have any space to marry so uhhh yeah. It was a beautiful reception where all their friends and distant relatives from Sunset Valley came by to congratulate the newlyweds. There was great food, great music, and this newly married gay couple was the talk of the town.

Of course in every marriage, there were bound to be a lot of struggles and fights. The Archuletas were no different. Shahari for one, was the defensive and possessive one whenever a girl tries to hook up with Joseph, and he really means business. Then there's the "Oh look! I'm doing all the fucking housework while you take a bath," nonsense that happens in all households.. and stuff.

One fine (say faaaaine) night, The Archuletas were at it again like rabbits. Joseph must have cummed like a million times because eventually Shahari got pregnant. Ok I lied, Shahari is just fat. Instead, they called up the adoption agency to make a custom baby boy with their genetics (it's a conceptual Virgin Mary miracle I tell ya). They named him Josh Archuleta. (no shit)

And since this story is getting boring, I shall just skip and fast-forward tot the future. The lived happilly ever after!..

.. as old gay married men.

Mr and Mr Shahari + Joseph Archuleta

♥

In conclusion..

..I need to get a life.

Although, if this life was possible, I'd be more than glad to grow old with the one I love just like this. :')

There is a God. He exists. He watches over us. We are His Sims. We are Gods too. We are watching our Sims. They are watching over their Sims on the laptops. Their laptop Sims are watching over their own Sims who watches their Sims who watches their Sims who watches their Sims who watches their Sims who watches their Sims who watches their Sims who watches their Sims ..(X 99999999 ∞)... who watches their Sims.

End

So many relationships around me, so little time..

2010-09-15T01:27:00.003+08:00

.. to feel happy for myself.

Sigh I wish I had breakfast and lunch dates. Or any dates at all really. The only dates I have left is the leftover korma in the fridge.

Somedayyyy my prince(ss) will come.

2010-09-09T19:41:00.000+08:00

Eid Mobarak/

Selamat Hari Raya everybody!

Betch

2010-09-06T17:49:00.005+08:00

I know I'm supposed to be meticulously studying now but what the heck I just had to blog about this first.

I was going through my archives, comments, and tags, and I realise how opinionated I was.. am.

I always had something to say about everything- whether it was about customer service standards in Singapore, religion, racial profanation, gay rights.. I had to say something about it.

I suppose it's the Aquarian side of me. Some call it intellect, others might see it as pure bullshit, but I see it as being.. wise. Lol.

I mean look at the crap I wrote months back about myself-

A freelance actor since 2007, Sha welcomes acting opportunities that are not so easily thrown in his face. With idiosyncrasies being a flair in his artistic vision, Sha embraces Ahmat- an aspiring flamboyant tailor from the 60s era, donned with hair and bell bottom pants ala The Beetles. Alongside his best buddies Hock Seng and Jon, Ahmat will discover the true meaning of friendship, loyalty, and love, as he flutters along Red Brick Road with a measuring tape in his hand.

If I had time to sing praises about myself like this, I must indeed be a loser after all. Lol.

Well the time will come, when my blog will be up and running again. I probably should copy down what I wrote in my other blog for school, about issues in Singapore.

Till then.
Xoxo.

Starsigns.

2010-09-05T23:39:00.002+08:00

The element of air needs that spiritual balance with water.

I keep myself locked in delusions whenever I'm alone because it keeps me going forward and that it's not so easy for me to give up on life just yet.

But when it comes down to extreme melancholy, somehow my delusions fade away and remind me that I'm living off an imaginary friend to keep my life on track. It sucks.

How long shall I pretend that everything is okay?

I miss you.

Ask me out?

The reason

2010-09-05T20:11:00.003+08:00

They always say, "Things happen for a reason."

I try to believe in that whenever my life takes a tumble. When my heart isn't in the right place, when tears fall too many times, when things don't go as planned- they happened for a reason.

But you know what? It just sounds like a bunch of tosh.

I still haven't figured out the reason.

The reason why things happened 6 years ago. Why they had to happen. Well? Why?

I'm so close to giving up.

Taping it up

2010-08-30T21:40:00.005+08:00

The girls and I, we pretend that life is full of rainbows all the time. We lie and put up with fake fronts and pretense. It is our fate till we die, to always believe that everything is okay. We're barely old enough to know the difference between lying and not telling the truth."

I don't ever want to get married, for the fear of making others suffer if it falls apart.

God didn't heal me because there was nothing wrong with me

2010-08-28T03:55:00.003+08:00

There are children sitting in your congregations. Unknown to you they will be listening as you echo "amen" and that will soon silence their prayers. Their prayers to God for understanding and acceptance and for your love but your hatred and fear and ignorance of the word 'gay', will silence those prayers.

So, before you echo "amen" in your home and place of worship. Think. Think and remember a child is listening.

Imahinasyon

2010-08-26T17:34:00.005+08:00

It feels like I hear another voice inside of me every second of my life. Not just a voice. Like another entity. It's telling me to believe in rainbows and fairies and unicorns and happy things.

I need to breathe in the sun.

I haven't been out of the house for days. My exams are in exactly 5 days time, and I have only covered 40% of what I'm to study for my first paper. Most of my time is spent ironically off the computer, and in my bed - not sleeping, but daydreaming.

I've been having very strong delusional disorder lately, and the only time when I'm sane is when someone is around the house, or someone is talking to me online. If not, I'd be spending most of my time believing that I'm studying in SMU now.

I think it's the fact that I still cannot accept my parents' divorce even though it has been 5 years, going 6. I keep thinking of what could happen if we never got separated. Life could have been bliss.

At least I know when to calm down. I know this disorder doesn't affect me so much, let's face it, if it did, I wouldn't be blogging right now. I guess I'm keeping strong like I always have for my sisters.

I just can't wait for exams to be over. Gah.

Other than that, today has been a lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, love-ly day ♪♫ - Bill Withers

Abstinence

2010-08-19T23:45:00.001+08:00

It's much harder than I thought.

Don't worry I haven't broken any vows.

._.

Ramadan Mubarak

2010-08-10T17:47:00.004+08:00

Ramadan may be for not- for many Muslims around me, but for me personally, the Holy month of Ramadan will hopefully be a blessed one for my family.

This will be the first Eidl Fitri celebrated without my grandmother.

For that, I will fulfill my duty as a Muslim by fasting in the very least. I know that I can't be as good as a Muslim should be in many other areas, but this is the least I could do. Even if I won't be fasting for God, at least I know I will pray with my heart that this month of chasity will be given in honor of my late grandmother, who won't be around this time.

Of course, not forgetting that hopefully this Ramadan and Syawal will be blessed with love, patience, and strength, to encourage me to study and do well for my Final Exams.

And though, my family will never be the same since 7 years ago, I pray that for whatever reasons, we will be happier by the end of this month.

Inshallah, not just my wish for life and the world will be granted. I hope this time round, my love will come to me. My heart feels so deeply for this person, that I wish somebody would feel how I feel and grant me the love I give but have yet to receive.

Amen.

Have a blessed Ramadan guys.

This might just work

2010-08-08T23:20:00.000+08:00

Maplek Story

2010-08-08T20:03:00.002+08:00

I've had my share of fun and grind and ass. Now let's fast to it.

Have a blessed Ramadan everyone! May God fill this fasting month with.. ample energy, and may He remove all procrastination to study for the final exams. Lol. :'/

Let Me In

2010-08-03T14:20:00.002+08:00

I think I need help. I'm running amok like one with DO (Delusional Disorder) + ED.

Nasal

2010-08-03T11:56:00.003+08:00

I'm about to die, I think.

Why do I always feel depressed and suicidal when I'm sick. I need to recover!

Hopefully by the end of my sickness I would have lost 4 more kg.

I'm gonna go sleep now, and wake up in an hour's time for school.

Bye.

Cos you're so addictive.

There's a Lily in everyone

2010-08-02T18:00:00.004+08:00

I'm so scared of the future. The way I see it, I might either end up

Running away from my family to live with my (future) partner away from Singapore
Getting married and have babies but end up playing behind my wife's back

Buy a house, get two big fat cats, and a super huge plasma TV.

The idea that I'll be 21 in a few months time scares the shit out of me. Anyways, let's review what I just said.

Option 1 - Running away from my family to live with my (future) partner away from Singapore

Impossible cos I'm very attached to my family. My family bonds are strong.

Option 2 - Getting married and have babies but end up playing behind my wife's back

It occurred to me because I have heard and even met of someone who does the same thing because he realises that he did it out of social stigma, but he can't deny his true identity.

Option 3 - Buy a house, get two big fat cats, and a super huge plasma TV

..and have sexcapades every night at home because I'm too lonely and I resort to guilty pleasures by luring young boys in. True story.

There is that other option of falling in love with the right girl and end up happily ever after, but from how things are going now, I highly doubt it.

On another note, I've gained back some weight and it sucks. I can't even look down at my screen without having my breasts and tummy blocking it first. I have to strain so hard just to flex out a minuscule bicep. My double chin is so visible now you can't see my neck.

My wife has just divorced me on Facebook because she found a partner. Fine, not my wife per se, but my co-actor who played as my wife in my musical. Our promise was to officially get a divorce once either one of us win the competition of being in a proper relationship the fastest. FML

And I just found out that even if he's gonna turn gay, it won't be for me, because I'm not his type. So yeah, FMLTwice.

[sidenote: the question is - am I anyone's type? Girl OR guy?]

On top of that, I'm sick, and the side effects of some certain drug make me feel even more like shit.

Bye.

Pills pills pills

2010-08-02T01:35:00.001+08:00

Because you can only see the rainbow after the rain.

Kit Kat

2010-07-29T15:39:00.005+08:00

Finally, I'm given some time off to blog.

School has been a rush for all of us lately, and it doesn't help that the terrible weather has cursed with an epidemic of fever + flu for the past few weeks. Thank God, the major presentations and project submissions are done, left only with the Final Examinations at the end of next month.

I think it's safe to say everyone is so glad that the YOG is in conjunction with study break, because we need it. I don't know about the rest of my classmates- but I definitely need that 3 weeks rest to study and take a break from the jet train of life.

I like my classmates to a certain level. They are really driven and hardworking, that it reminds me to be equally hardworking as well. My class' competitive nature brings about the desire in me to be a perfectionist in my school work, and present well when the time comes. They say it will die down by semester two, but until then, my class is the reason why I keep myself motivated to study.

I don't know if any of them feel otherwise about me, yes, I admit I have been very busy with other things outside the classroom, and that I'm exhausting myself with co-curricular activities. Frankly, I don't care what they think. All I know is that I'm able to make my group the best for all presentations. :)

Not forgetting the silliness we share too. Lol
♥

Inception

2010-07-20T22:17:00.003+08:00

in·cep·tion (ĭn-sěp'shən)
n. The beginning of something, such as an undertaking; a commencement

Yes, the movie was so awesome. Over hundreds of reviews on IMDB were rated 10 out of 10 stars. But I won't say anything about it, so as to not spoil it to those who actually still read my blog.

Dream within a dream. It comes to a point where I realise that I actually have to many of those. I dream about wanting something or someone or some event to occur so bad, that it might not seem real. It might not seem like a reality anymore.

Snap out of it.

For The Rest Of My Life

2010-07-12T15:12:00.002+08:00

I know that deep in my heart
I feel so blessed when I think of you
And I ask Allah to bless all we do
You're my life and my friend and my strength
And I pray we're together eternally
Now I find myself so strong
Everything changed when you came along

Dayung Sampan

2010-07-11T01:42:00.003+08:00

For every emotional baggage I carry, at least I know my loved ones came anyway. Whether or not they came to meet me after that, I know the very least they came down and supported and cheered on for me when I came out for curtain call. That's more than enough comfort I give myself even though I can't make out where they were in the crowd. So thank you, my loves, for being there to watch me at my best.

I guess I am really proud of myself. Yeah, maybe I did steal the show with my performance but I never thought of that really, I just wanted to entertain. It was nice having so many random people coming up to me that saying that I've created an unofficial fanbase, taking plenty of pics with people who adore the girly side of me. Heh.

Tonight has been great. I'm really glad that it's over so I can put my focus on my studies. One thing's for sure, I will carry on with my passion with StageArts. Been a great experience plus the amount of friends I obtained from it has been incredible. The only thing I cried about tonight is the fact that I won't be working with 70% of my cast anymore. Sigh. Ah well, life moves on.

Happy Family Game! :)

Passion died

2010-07-10T00:26:00.006+08:00

The actor throws his wig and costume aside, wipes off his gloss, changes into his casual clothes, and dashes out the door, expecting a choir of praises and garlands of roses at his feet. But he could care less about the flowers, all he wanted was to see the excited looks of his loved ones, squeeze them tight and tell them that he misses them dearly.

Nay.

Actor runs out the door. Finds out that he made someone lose $200 for the night. Walks out and lights a cigarette. Random people come up to him and congratulate him for his stunning performance a few minutes ago. The other actors are surrounded by camera flashes, flowers, hugs and kisses, while admiring themselves in the cut-out cardboards printed for them. Again, with the $200. Actor apologises. Thanks friend for coming anyway. It's like watching a free movie. Alas, if it had cost a single cent, friend wouldn't have turned up either. Dad? Sisters? Where are you? Probably drove home already. Mom? Australia. Friends, bestfriends? Where are you? Oh.. drinking. Watching a free movie. That's what it felt like. Actor picks up his bag, walks home. His empty home. Has been that way for the past 8 days.

Ahmat, just jump down the river and die. They never wanted to go in the first place. No, I'm not trying to be petty. I just wanted a hug. I'm sick of my bolster.

He couldn't care less that he acted and performed so well and everyone was singing praises at him. All he wanted was some company.

The time has come

2010-07-09T00:51:00.001+08:00

A Moment Like This

2010-07-06T01:47:00.003+08:00

God's servant sang so beautifully, she captivated both you and me. The lead takes his position, and I saw the look in his eyes.. love. By the side, a couple grows old together.

What else did I see? Oh yes.

The love in your eyes. The love for the serenade. Why do I have to witness such strong feelings with the people around me? Why can't that love I see be meant for me?

Oh right.

You're just good-looking, nice, friendly, and comforting. Me? I'm just..

..easy.

They were right all along.

Letting go is not as easy as many might think.

2010-07-05T00:19:00.001+08:00

Thank you, dad.

Infatuation

2010-07-04T03:10:00.003+08:00

by =underworldriver
source =deviantart

Fairest of skin. Touching it. Embracing with everything.
The souls glide clean off the peel of the skin.
Feeling the warm getting cold as the caress slips away.

Eyes graced the curvature that was you. They always have.
For the very moment they laid upon you. Unforgettable.
Remembrances lasting beyond lifetimes. That was what you were. Incredible.

Hours were spent holding soft hands, running through fields.
Speaking of tongues that masked our true intentions. The true colors,
hid behind loving smiles, blushing cheeks, rainbow sparkled conversations.

The very day, we thought had been made in the shade. Fell, blew away into a devastation. A hurricane of horrific proportions. The anger how it fled. The curses how they sparked. We didn't even saw it coming. The truth. The infatuation that couldn't last. A fake identity was now out in the open, captured in red. Unfathomable. Wonderful to unexpected to completely halted dead.

What is true hides in desperation. Once desperation flees, all that is left is corruption.

Struggling to believe

2010-07-02T19:02:00.001+08:00

If there's one person who actually gives a shit and loves, it would be God. So I'm gonna try a bit harder now.

Disaster Movie: Outburst Of The Mixing Shaker

2010-07-01T14:18:00.002+08:00

That was some outburst. I never thought I'd have some wine after a long time. Not in this sort of situation though. Weird.

Sorry Nigel's Multicam group.

Pleasantville

2010-07-01T04:42:00.002+08:00

I am professional. I am passionate. I am experienced, more than anyone believes. I'll remind myself of that, every time I break my heart, or when someone else does.

No more pretending. After all, acting isn't about letting people know how you feel inside. It's all fake to make it seem real.

It's only professional.

I can be blown up to all proportions. I am pissed off, with everything around me. I haven't had time for myself, ever. I'm only in this gig for the next 8 days and I'm off. I won't turn back to you, because trust me, there's plenty of you where you came from, and I've got my many past productions to prove it.

I'm so sick of devoting my life to this production which I never asked for. All I wanted was to be in the Glee club of the damned, not be sucked into another camaraderie lacking of human resources. I don't get to spend time or energy for my studies let alone on myself. Because I'm only professional, I did not walk out that door and let there be water under the bridge, but trust me, I'm not the only one who's been tempted to do so.

That little guilty or rather delusional pleasure with my dead bestfriend today was one of the many reasons why I don't understand why I can't have someone to cuddle up with me at night. The fact that I could today, albeit fake, was the very reason why I have a love hate relationship with acting.

But you know what? Don't look too highly on yourself, don't look at the rest of us as your peasants because the minions we are to you, some of us are actually more experienced minions than your legend or whatever the hell you call your "10-year glory" may frown upon. Feed your ego if you please but don't feed it from our downfall because we have our pride too. Don't judge me because I sat comforting myself with a boy by the corner chatting away, only because I'm not in the scene till much later anyway.

At the very least, not to the expense of having lesser and lesser loved ones watching me after much agonizing, disdain, and disapproval. Oh no you don't. I have not worked my butt off the past two months (including sacrificing my JOB at California Fitness) to get the people I want to have watch me not be there because of one STUPID ego trip you had.

So by all counts, are you professional? Then again who's counting?

:) konicheebye, sayonara.

2010-06-29T01:48:00.002+08:00

Goodluck sweetie.

Try harder

2010-06-29T01:20:00.004+08:00

Whenever I perform on stage, whether it is for my current musical, for drama, for TV, or whatever it is I'm performing, my goal is to- be who I am not.

Just like what I have mentioned in my effective communications module, "I love acting. Acting is my passion. Acting is about being who you never were. Even if you don't like it, at least your journey getting into character makes you a step closer to become somebody else. Immerse yourself in the character, so that by the end of the day, your audience sees you for your character- not you."

True, my role now is somewhat similar to how I am in real life. Still I spiced it up by given an extra 70% contribution to make the role mine.

I wish people like Kristen Steward would try harder. It's not all about being pretty, and thinking you got the role right.

Try harder. Fucking hard.

I spend too much time in my bedroom sia.

2010-06-28T01:32:00.004+08:00

I still can't believe that I didn't hang out with my friends for the past two weeks except for on the 16th for Nasiha's birthday. Most of the time was spent on the musical + work + projects, to the point where I didn't actually spend time on myself.

Holy shit it's ITE all over again, except, worst. It's only the first few weeks of school and I've been given this bomb which I have to defuse but the grenades will only just keep coming, according to my seniors, and this is just the beginning. No wonder I see NYP students stressing the hell out of everything that it's so hard to take a chill pill. No wonder they don't last long in their CCAs.

Eh cannot sia like that. I want a CCA. I quit work because of my CCA. I want to go all out for my CCA. Die sia. Huat ah huat ah. (Sorry a line from musical.)

Most of the time I'm stuck in my bedroom on the notebook typing away. 70% of it on my projects and the other 30% goes to the usual - Facebook, Twitter etc.

I haven't even started my web design yet!

Oh well. In a few hours time it's back to school. Ugh. Back to regretting what I eat, back to starving myself for days, back to secretly smoking in the toilet, back to pretending to study (although this time I have to actually do it), back to wearing jackets in tutorials.

This sucks.

Oh well, at least there's that France student exchange program thing to look forward to. Friday's initiation as well. Heh. Don't even know whether I'm going considering there's musical. Ah well. :)

V for Vapid

2010-06-26T23:25:00.005+08:00

Got like blogshop photo anot? RIGHT.

Those photos were taken when I'm on break or not in scene.

Musical for FLC has been so challenging. I didn't sleep the past 31hours because of work + work + drama, but hopefully all that will come to end now since I've already resigned from California Fitness.

It's regrettable, and really depressing, but I gotta do something with my life that puts me in the good books of my parents and lecturers, but mostly just putting myself in books generally.

Musical is coming quite quite soon and I was vowed of secrecy that I wouldn't tell anyone about it until the show is over.

I can say one thing, though, it has made me cry, it has made me laugh, and it has also made me pissed off. (Shall not elaborate.)

For that, I'm determined to see to the end of this musical, and to the end of my school projects which I have started thankfully, and managed to slip in some revision.

Times like these, I wish I had a beer ~~and some sex~~ ~~but i already had some of those~~, and just you and me in bed while you cuddle me up and say, "You then ah," but alas, they're all silly imaginations which wouldn't come true. I like my distractions though.. has kept me sane and focused.

I will get a 3.0 GPA + for this term damnit I will.

Paperbag

2010-06-22T01:56:00.005+08:00

I dreamt of her yesterday. It wasn't pleasant.

Lord, finally you gave me my wish oh wanting her to come into my dreams. She finally did. In my dreams she was still sick. She watched me lust around, and all she did was complain about maggots around her sick body.

I don't even know what that means.

I just feel too sick about my life now to actually care about her as much as I did since she left me 6 months ago.

Close your eyes and just trusting

2010-06-17T00:56:00.006+08:00

Officially depressed.

Tagged.com

2010-06-15T19:58:00.005+08:00

I believe I must be the most fucked person ever.

So what I lost a lot of weight? So what if I lost even more, and if one fine day I'd become one skinny anorexic bitch? My onion of a head will never be proportioned to my small body. If I gained weight, I'll be fat. But at least everything looks proportioned. Thanks everyone for reminding me that every single fucking day.

Even the skinniest of people get love in their life, albeit ugly. That's how this stupid world works. Skinny wins. Average-sized not proportionate boys like me fail.

Lies! I hate living in lies while I'm at work. Pretending that I have a boyfriend just so my colleagues will shut the fuck up and stop pestering me to tell them more. To stop asking about my preferences.

What is the feeling of someone telling you that they really like you from the heart? I never knew. I may never know. I'm all out to give my love, but I can never receive anything in return. Allah/Jesus failed in that area too.

Everyone I know is leaving me. Grandma left me, and never came back. Not even in my dreams. Does she hate me? Does she not care? Did she leave and never gave a shat about me in the first place?

I try to remain positive, but every time I do, there's always some shit out there waiting to claw on my skinny neck/giant head, ready to feed depression off me.

Hmm.. what else is there? Oh that's right. Money.

The root of all motherfucking evil. I always seem to be out of money, like a constant fray. Tomorrow, I have to pay up for my notebook. Money again. I have to pay up for cab fares coming Thursday. Money, again. Where the fuck will I find it all. FUCK MY LIFE la seriously. Now I've given tender resignation, so that I would stop spending even more money. I feel fucking shit.

I don't know what I'm still hanging on to now, really. Maybe I'm hanging on to the fact that I got into Poly. That I should achieve my fucking goals and start changing my life that way.

But guess what- every misery business that plays god with me, has overruled all others.

I've had enough

2010-06-14T01:47:00.002+08:00

I'm scared. I'm just so so so scared. That's all. I don't want you to disown me. I don't want you to just tolerate me. I know you love me. And acceptance = love, right? I'm so sick of pretending to be someone I'm not.

I came to terms with myself long ago. It's about time you did, too.

Vogue lor

2010-06-12T02:28:00.006+08:00

Some people can just be an annoying piece of shit, really.

All I can say is, slow down on the vulgarities, the mood swings, and the self-pity attitude. Yes I know, these attributes pretty much describe me as well, but at least I don't ruin the moods of the ~~people~~ friends around me.

Which led me thinking actually. What I hate about people like this, is a dislike others feel towards me as well. Fine, maybe I'm not so vulgar, and my mood swings aren't exactly dangerous, but yes, I do realize I pity myself alot to the point that people around me simply can't be fucked anymore. At least I laugh it off at the end of the day, right?

I should start being positive heh. There's just sooo much to complain, but even more to enjoy, I think. I'm gonna start living life without hate. Step by step. Brush it off, that's what I always do (in my family anyway).

Ahh, yes. On a completely irrelevant note, I'm quite disheartened of late. This is simply due to the fact that when my heart is just about to take a turn, you just had to do something to send my feelings downhill again. I try harder to provide likening, but alas, decisions, decisions, decisions.

No, I'm not talking about you, Mr Rozario, if you still read my blog. I'm talking about sweaty.

Anyways.

I have a big head.. SO WHAT. LUL ._.

There she goes up in the sky

2010-06-07T00:12:00.005+08:00

"Can't Cry Hard Enough"

I'm gonna live my life
Like every day's the last
Without a simple goodbye
It all goes by so fast

Gonna open my eyes
And see for the first time
I let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite

There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

Forever Charmed

2010-06-04T22:41:00.003+08:00

No I haven't seen Glee and I don't intend to watch it at this point of time in my life, until I find that there's absolutely nothing to do. I just liked the picture. Sue me.

Has anyone ever noticed how there could be many seasons made for shows like this, and when ABC or some other company decide to cancel the show, they always tend to make the last episode rushed because whatever plot they have been building up are now forced to end abruptly? You know like.. Ugly Betty or Desperate Housewives or Brothers and Sisters or Charmed?

Speaking of Charmed, I just caught the last episode of Charmed ten minutes ago because I never really had time or cable to catch season 8 when it was aired 5 years ago. Rushed, yes, but awwwwwwwwww maiiiii goddddd, it was the sweetest episode ever! (Well it had to be anyway) I want a life like that! I mean not in magic or anything, but the whole l o v e brings about the whole universe thing. Yin and Yang or Magic and Mortal or Gay and Straight.

That's it. I want a ceremonial matrimony with a tiered cake when I get married to my dream [fill in your own character you assume best] in the future. Walking down the aisle with Ayin being my bestman (or woman rather), and looking into the dreamy eyes of [again, you fulfill your fantasy of me if you cared, I have my own] and proclaiming my vows. Sighhhh.

Yes, it sounds all very naive, but in this time of major melancholy and self-mutilation, I think it's nice being naive for once.

At least I know I'm not as naive as many others around me, really. Funny, I used to always think I had the sickest life around people, but there just might be some others who've had worst. Still, I slap myself and move on and don't pretend everything's a rainbow, as I for one, am not one to say "Hey! I've been through much more than you have sucker," because really nobody could be the judge of that.

Which made me realise that.. I don't think I'm up for that love challenge (according to Phoebe Halliwell), with such naivete. Especially if they believe the whole world revolves only around them, even at such premature ages. I don't think I was even THAT naive back then, and I think I went through as much shit too.

I suppose my heart belongs to the 'one' out there somewhere.

Ah, don't mind my mindless chatter (say chatter like 'chattah', it sounds cooler in Briddish), these are just random thoughts floating about like oracles lately. Blame it on the charmed.

Change. That's what we need. Like Ros, I'm happy she accepted the job at CF, because I guess I love seeing her getting her life on track, for now. God, she's so skinny, yeah? I love that. That's it. I can't stand looking at my jiggly thighs. I will get back on track. Maybe a slightly modified one.

Maybe it will be better for the 'one'?

Misery business you gave a lot of people. Hope and forgiveness tame me. So peace, and love, I give you. Take it.

This is not a spell. Lol. <3

June's a bitch

2010-05-31T00:42:00.004+08:00

So I've completely buried myself in my notes, my textbook and my cigarettes for the past 7 hours, and my gum won't stop bleeding since I last brushed my teeth really hard, I feel like procrastinating by watching Charmed, instead I'm blogging after having to revise like a crazy fuck instead because Biz Stat is my weakest module yet.

I'm not gonna regret once again, like how I blanked out during Econs ICA, and I swear if I do, I'm gonna see a doctor. A bed doctor.

Funny enough, work has kept me sane of late, despite me hating the fact that I'm exhausted or work politics or waking up in the morning feeling like P.Diddy at 4am. In fact I've gotten around to studying while I'm work. Peace of mind, peace of heart. Ah well.

My roster is so tight I swear. I have work, school, ICAs, drama rehearsals, family appointments and all the other nonsense I have to keep steady to, no wonder I'm going nuts. I swear, no one should ever talk to me about being tired, because I really am, and I'm not exaggerating. Really I'm not.

Look.

I guess, for suppressing all of that in me, I got a lil jiggy at Cuscaden the other night with bestfriend. Boy, I needed that. Won't go into details. I hope it doesn't happen again, because I don't ever want to cry like a crazy minah in the middle of Chijmes ever.

To all others - wake up already. Seriously. Just. Wake. The. Fuck. Up. Your tweets are pissing me off. I won't mention names.

Mashalla'

2010-05-28T23:13:00.001+08:00

Vicious Cycle

2010-05-25T23:47:00.002+08:00

sea·son - /ˈsizən/ [see-zuhn]

A recurrent period characterized by certain occurrences, occupations, festivities, or crops: the holiday season; tomato season.

I hate it every time the winter comes.

You smile, I smile

2010-05-25T12:03:00.005+08:00

I'm all in
cause my cards are on the table
and I'm willing and I'm able,
But I fold to your wish
Cause it's my command

To be a kid again

2010-05-25T02:10:00.003+08:00

I am tired of stealing work time to do revision for my studies. Somebody find me another job closer to home please! On one condition- all my colleagues at CF to move in to the new place with me. I hart them too much, thus I'm still slaving my ass off even after 6 months.

Anyway, on the cab ride back home, there was a traffic jam (I know right, 1am got traffic jam you know). Quite obviously I fell asleep there and then.

As dramatic as it sounds.. my whole childhood flashed before my eyes.

I remember everything about my childhood with vivid detail. Every breath, every smell, every gesture, every person, every emotion, all of it.

Which is why it's sad for me to actually be an adult now. Few more months and I'm 21. Sucky feeling, really. Many would want to turn 21 soon, but really I just want to be a 5 year old kid again, who runs up to his dad when he's scared of earthworms at the playground, or run up to his mom, when lightning strikes while he's watching Aksi Mat Yoyo, or running to his grandma when he's hungry.

I want to be a kid again. Sadly, no.

Lies

2010-05-23T23:50:00.005+08:00

Things I wish never happened can't be undone so there isn't any point wishing right?

Why is it do I wish that

I was still a little boy
I didn't have to play the role of the older brother.
Things didn't happen six years ago so things will never be so fucked up
Divorce = Family breaks apart
Family breaks apart = Financial instability
Financial instability = Two houses
Two houses = Less communication
Less communication = O Level Failure
O Level Failure = 3 Wasted Years
3 Wasted Years = Self-pity
Self-pity = Breaks grandma's hart
Broken grandma's hart = Literal heart failure
Literal heart failure = Death
Never did a certain mistake in Primary six
leading to fucked up sexuality
I don't think she feels the way I do. FML? No, I saw it coming.

But you know what, I'm still strong. So many times I wanted to give up and end it all, but I haven't. Seeing all my pitiful friends wanting to or already ending it all reminds me (yes I am making it about me, this is my blog) that I'm stronger than them.

I'm tired of my life both physically (work, school, drama) and mentally (ditto). Still I'm able to spend ten minutes online writing this shit down to prove that I really have come a long way and that I'm still strong. FML, yes, but ML is still alive.

Until the day when God wants me to give up my life and just present it to Him without having Him take it away from me, I will not give in. God knows I'm capable of going through life even though it's shit, and I see plenty of shit coming to haunt me in the future, but I'll just cry, whip myself up with blunt penknives, alcohol, drugs, and elastic bands, and I'll still be standing here, wanting to give up, but God doesn't want to take me.

I think.. I want to be a member of parliament. I want to give back to the society. I want to give up everything to those around me so that they will never go through what I did.

I'm not saying I don't appreciate the life I already have. I do, I really do. What's there not to appreciate? My family and like friends to me (except they have money), my friends are like family to me (except they don't have money), it's just that there are many blunders along the way with both parties and those times I wish I had someone special to look after me while I look after them. Sadly, there isn't someone special.

I'll make it through this second rain. I will. :)

"Dear God.."

Keselamatan

2010-05-23T17:37:00.004+08:00

Forget it sayang, you are probably gonna go nowhere with it. Let's just give it up because they won't feel the same way.

Tuhan kami yang ada di syurga,
dimuliakanlah namaMu.
Datanglah kerajaanMu, jadilah kehendakMu,
di atas bumi seperti di dalam syurga.
Berikanlah kami rezeki pada hari ini,
dan ampunilah kesalahan kami seperti kamipun mengampuni
yang bersalah kepada kami.
Dan janganlah masukkan kami ke dalam percubaan,
tetapi bebaskanlah kami dari yang jahat.

Amin.

That Girl?

2010-05-21T18:30:00.010+08:00

I can't explain it

2010-05-20T21:37:00.001+08:00

Yesternights I had an episode where I felt like my family all died in a car crash. Wtf I know.

In conclusion

I cannot live without them. They're the only ones I have left. Don't fucking take them away from me.

Red Brick Road

2010-05-19T23:45:00.004+08:00

Today we had costume tries at rehearsal. I'm friggin excited for it since my costume really works well with the character I've been practising and embracing for quite some time. I believe I hit it spot on this time round since I really thought of the characterization.

Also, it has inspired me to keep the long hair I've wanted for like a million years. That's it. I'm not cutting my ~~hand~~ hair until I've gotten my emo hair.

No, Shahari, no.

2010-05-19T03:35:00.004+08:00

"Be still and know that I am God"

[Psalms 46:10]

Artist -Ebudae
Source -Deviantart

Strange.

I'm searching the heavens looking for an answer. I contemplate death for the forgiveness of my past, and closure to my pain. I wish to fly and land on the crossed pavement below like an epic "boy-lands-with-arms-wide-open-on-pavement-shaped-like-a-cross" scene. I need God.

..and what I heard in my head was just, "Stop."

That's all I needed to hear.

Me being me, went to Google to search for a picture of a stop sign, which led me to this, which led me to the artist and the title for her piece. "Be still and know that I am God."

Strange.

How is it that the very same worship song I've been listening to over and over and over again for the past week has the exact same line?

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God

Sign or coincidence? Then again faith is blind, proof denies faith.

I think.. I'm gonna try and be blind, and open my heart up a little bit. We'll see where that takes me.

"Dear.. God."

Where's my redeemer

2010-05-19T02:40:00.005+08:00

So what happens when you are in over your head?

You snap rubber bands on your wrists because you're too chicken shit to slice it clean with a blunt paper cutter, so elastic bands provide the pain you need to remind yourself that you are major fucking loser.

What? Why dote on the need to be in relationship, you ask?

Because for once in my life, I'd want somebody to lift me off the ground, spin me around, and tell me everything's gonna be alright.

Live life to the fullest, you say. Heh. You were never born with a giant head. You were never turned down every single time because it was one-sided.

Have you lied just to make yourself feel better? Have you fantasized about being with a lover ever since fifteen, just so you don't feel so alone? Have you seen your bestfriend kiss her/his girlfriend and all you could do was think about how big your waistline and forehead is? Have you ever done so much shit for other people, but they will never see it the way you do?

I have issues. Lots of it. I need Jesus. Or cocaine.

Still

2010-05-17T01:23:00.005+08:00

FEELS LIKE COTTON CANDY LAND.

Had no prior intention of going actually. I'm not into the whole idea of socializing with other GLBT people at a park wearing pink to take a photo of a DOT. Yeah it symbolizes equality and no segregation of the sexes, but as I've said- I'm pretty much a homophobic homo.

Lol.

Besides that, I had work and drama rehearsal the entire day before that. Rushing down to a park in this humid weather in bright pink to meet the friends was abit stupid. But since, I was pretty much somewhere around the area, I thought heck why not?

Yup, pretty much everything was in pink. I don't recall what happened there, because it was that blah, all I did mostly was sit around on the free plastic mat while the other gay people in the park either

went shopping for hotties
trying to spot people they know
just chilling with their own partners :)

Me? I was just happy to see be around my friends. In pink. LOL. Best thing about this thing is that somehow you could just tell who were the different ones heh.

What was the best sight though? This.

The cutest thing ever right? Congrats on 3, btw girls, hope you'll always have a fulfilling and everlasting relationship. ♥♥♥

Anyways, I really never realised that me and my family spend more time with each other than most would. I know, pretty ironic, if you get what I mean. But yeah. I guess people change when.. things change.

Oh oh my boyfriend, Dani Haritsa, just turned a year old! Well some time last week anyway. Heh, oh life. When someone leaves you, someone new comes along the way. Though I may not be as close to you, but I hart my liddle baby nephew the same anyway. Oh hay shit I have to give Hongbao money for Raya. Shiet.

Things have been strange of late. That includes work. Work has been pretty redundant, but I like work. It keeps me well balanced in my emotions even though my hours are being cut alot, cus of our two new staff but oh well.

Then today, after I left work, I decided to do something random..

Wow. It's been so long. Too long crying that I can't cry hard enough. There she goes up in the sky.

Sigh.

Played my part for so long, and I thought and I thought and I thought. Still chose the wrong path, thing is, it was my fault to begin with. I believe(d). It's really the way I take things I read way too deep. Now, I won't stop punishing myself, yet I can't see what it is that I ignore.

I just thought of something random.

2010-05-14T02:24:00.003+08:00

I know I've mentioned this before, but somehow I kept thinking and thinking about it and..

I DON'T CARE. WHEN I DIE, AND WHEN YOU ARE SENDING ME OFF, DURING MY FUNERAL PROCESSION, I WOULD LIKE ALL OF YOU TO WEAR COLORFUL CLOTHES. I DON'T WANT BLACK. I DON'T CARE. BLACK IS AN AWFUL COLOR. I WANT MY FUNERAL TO BE BRILLIANT. DON'T FREAKING WEAAR DULL COLORS. I IS NOT DULLZXZCZS K. I IS DO NOT WANT DULL COLORS. MUST SING ME NICE NICE SONG AH. THANKIEW.

Back up I'm straight, my kind's your kind.

2010-05-11T23:29:00.005+08:00

I feel very complete today. Somehow. Maybe it's because it's the first time I was a stoner the entire day today- a typical trait of an early Aquarius. No moodswings, no emotional internal war, no intense dehydration, no perspiration, no nausea, no fatigue. Just another stoner.

I kinda like being a stoner, completely unaware of my surroundings, being absolutely nonchalant or apathetic about everything. I don't know why ah, but really ah. Okay maybe not the whole entire day; I did feel slightly gibberish and faint towards the end of the night but that's only cos I was talking to friends.

Speaking of which, I saw a friend cry, and being the stoner I was, I didn't know how to react to it when I should be able to considering we both went through similar experiences. Only when I sat down and think about them again, I start to relate and feel empathic for her, and decided to share my warmth and love and tell her that everything's gonna be alright. Hopefully she reads this and she knows, really, everything IS gonna be alright. If not, I'm still here right? :)

Oh speaking of which, I'm proud of myself today too, for being a completely strong stoner. I won't go into details. Ok bye. :D

ICA1? Indeed

2010-05-10T09:39:00.005+08:00

Confusion, sweet delusion

2010-05-07T01:36:00.004+08:00

I can't sleep. Every single time I have to awake early in the morning (in this case, tutorial at 8am later) I simply can't bring myself to doze off even though I'm sick, I'm tired, and I feel like my heavy head might just drop to the cement soon. Blame it on the a-a-a-a-lc_____.

I think I should go downstairs and buy myself a pack just so I could sleep.

I wonder what happens when we die? Or at least never wake up from our sleep. Like a complete pill overdose or something. Oh right, I've talked about this before. Still. Do we really know what would happen? I'm in no way religious, and what I force myself to believe is that my soul will be lifted from our bodies, and I will see a figure standing by me, as if it has always been there. I will be void of all emotions, and when the time's right, I will follow that thing up to the gates in Heaven. Good or bad, I don't think I will be punished for it.

When the time is wrong, however, I believe I will be lingering around to see if anyone gives a shit about me. Whether I would have pretty flowers by my grave, counting the number of people who show up for my funeral. Cos I'm an attention whore like that what. I'll prolly haunt those who don't show up to my funeral in black, because I am traditional like that. Actually no don't. I'd rather see them in many different colours because I'm gay like that hoho. Hmmmm. I wonder who will be crying for me? Hmm.

Anyways, once I will be by St Peter's gate, I imagine my grandmother will be behind it saying "Eh salah! The other side! You got the wrong house! Hehe," like how she used to do it whenever I came by her place back on earth, BUT she will open up the gates anyway. Within an instant I can smell her chicken curry and asam pedas cooking by her cloudy stove. Yum.

I suppose I'd then feel a tap on my shoulder, turn around, and realise that it's someone I thought I knew! So it's true. She really is beautiful. And clumsy. There are actually blotches of paint all over her white robe. "Pssssst.. nenek's still cooking. Come with me to the back, me and your uncles got like a few million cigarettes there." OH HAY THEY HAVE NEXT SUBZERO IN HEAVEN LA SEY.

Then I'd stop dumbstruck, realising that I forgot to meet the one person I've waited forever to meet. The Big Boss. I'd see Him from afar, completely covered in light and..

..that's about it. I can't imagine anything more beyond that. I've tried, but I can't picture how my conversation with God might turn out like.

*

Sadly my religion tells me I will go to hell. Oh yes I will. Beyond a doubt. Why? HAH.

I'll try to catch some sleep now. I have to. I'm tired of dancing to hindi songs over and over again pretending I am a pretty indian princess aka Aishwarya Rai. Besides, my heart kinda hurts now what with the damn meds beating at my heart with every step I clink (indian dancers wear bells on their feet k). Hmm if I stuck my mp4 with hindi songs on replay while I sleep, will I go to Heaven in a saree? Ooooh. Maar Dala indeed. Pagel ho!

Wait why will I go to hell? HAH. Duh isn't it obvious it's because I'm

Slap

2010-05-06T15:50:00.005+08:00

"I couldn't stop myself from telling you anymore.
I don't want you to hurt yourself."

Hahaha and why shouldn't I? Tell me, why shouldn't I? If you had that episode few days back, tell me dear, why can't I have it too?

Hey baby, what's your sign?

2010-05-05T12:45:00.003+08:00

Attending a lecture whilst nursing a hangover can be painful, but at the same time it makes you think alot about yourself. It's as if your life flashes before your eyes in a second and you wonder whether getting drunk the night before was worth it.

I know I have been a mess of late, and I shouldn't be. I've worked too hard to get to school and I should fkn start doing something about it. It's still early to study up on everything that I have missed in tutorials and lectures because I either

Doze off in class or
Laugh and gossip with my clique of friends

Lol.

Speaking of my clique of friends, I realise that they're really a bunch of people that's really great to hang out with. After subconsciously studying their behaviour patterns, I found it quite easy to pinpoint the different stars they're born under. In stars I mean - astrological/horoscope star signs; and I was right.

This made me realise that as an Aquarius, I always had the drive to learn. I love history, I love culture, I have a love/hate relationship with religion, I LOVE astrology and the list goes on and on. Aquariuses love being intellectual about the universe and at most times prefer to be alone to promote self-discovery and understading.

Problem with Aquariuses is that when they get too emotional about something, they can go at it for a very long time, in which their drive to work is at an extreme low. So really now, Shahari, why the low drive to keep learning? Why not just ignore the sadness and carry on with what you've been passionate about?

I shall start by completing my schoolwork, attend drama club, and be more smiley and positive. :) Problems can always be solved. I am an Aquarius afterall.

Stubby stubby.

2010-05-01T02:03:00.003+08:00

So I just came back from a really long day. I had school since 8am which I forced myself into going for a really boring module for the sake of my attendance, followed by Accounts which surprisingly I am very good at after getting F9 for it in high school, and then break time at 11.30am.

Next class started at 2PM so I practically had so much time to kill, and considering I just got my pay, I decided to walk to AMK Central ~~to visit my doctor~~ and get new stuff like green curtains for my room and a new picture frame for our family photo. Still I had lots of time to kill considering NYP is just 10 minutes away from home, so I decided to leave my heavy unnecessary books and notebook at home.

After fixing the curtains etc, I left for school. Even after twenty minutes no bus passed by me and well I was late. Considering it would be a zero, I thought what the hell let's go home. Somehow I was panting a lot and I had some sort of breathing problems so it was good that I didn't go to school, and I had auditions for drama later that day anyway.

Met up with Nigel. Poor boy. Spent the entire day and night listening to his problem.

Audition was fine. Screw that, audition was whoa and I actually made it to one of their school productions. Nigel told me to not attend that because of the director, so I honestly don't know.

Anyhow, it's flattering that girls find me cute and all considering I've lost so much weight. Still it gets annoying when people THREE years younger fall for you at first sight. -_-

I just realised I blogged about my day. Now that is really random. I don't usually.. do that. Oh well. Gotta wake up tomorrow for Mel's funeral mass. Bye.

All I Wanted

2010-04-28T01:07:00.009+08:00

Life is where I want it to be surprisingly. Well not exactly but it's getting there. I'm really happy that I've started school. Starting my new life. I've lost close to 15kg already, I look and feel good, I've got great classmates, I'm still working for my pocket money and I'm stressing out over school which is a good thing because I really do want to learn.

I complain alot about the weird timetable, I complain about the fact that I have to rush to work after school, I complain about spending so much money on my school texts and lecture notes, or the fact that I have so much weight on my shoulders because of my new laptop, but hey, it's the life I picture it to be. Everything seems to be going pretty well for me. :)

The best part is, I realise I don't have to go through National Service after Poly, but it shouldn't be an issue to the rest considering I've spent an extra 3 years anyway. Take it as if I already went for NS when I graduated from Secondary 5 or something.

There's just one thing I really want but..

Made it through the rain

2010-03-09T01:30:00.005+08:00

:)

A smile is all I could afford. I should be sleeping since I have work in about 5 hours time from now, but I guess it can wait while I spend this few minutes jotting this down before the butterflies in me stop flapping around.

For years, I've been crying and pleading to anyone who could afford a listening ear, but tonight is the night where after a very long time, I cried tears.. of happiness and relief.

*

I spent two years in ITE, pushing myself to the extreme, juggling two jobs and school, and God knows how hard I worked in ITE just to see a brighter future. I've worked way too long with school projects, class projects, cca projects, outside-school projects just so I could be one of those people who actually feel like they've done alot to achieve something at the end of ITE. But I didn't get into poly anyway, because of some stupid mistake. Still life had to move on - the painful way.

Life was painful, and I'm not exaggerating. It was very tough for me for the past year. 2009 was so dreadful - jumping from one job to another because there was so much stress, getting pushed around over and over again by your boss and your colleagues because you don't live up to their expectations, or being terminated because they were homophobic.

I spent 12 months living the day like a walking zombie because.. there was nothing to look forward to. Work. Sleep. Work. Sleep. Sometimes I felt like for one night, I could just sleep and wished I never woke up to see the miserable world around me.

But I kept telling myself that it will all go away, it will all get better in time.

Still that didn't stop me from ruining my life from time to time because I didn't see how it could get any better. Getting pissed-wasted, gaining so much weight just to lose so much weight and then gaining them back again. It was as if I were about to die any time, and I really didn't care. Not to mention the buckets of tears I wasted till the point where I had no more tears because.. I was too tired with the bullshit I had to swim around in back in 2009.

The world came crashing down on me when my grandma died. The one person who never judged me and was always there to defend me until she was physically weak to take it all in. The one person I never got to seek forgiveness from. The one person who was so happy one day, and just gone the next. The one person who never got to see me turn twenty.

Life was such a mess, and I didn't know what to do. But when the year was coming to an end, everything started to get better. I was closer to my family more than ever, I was trying to be positive- a way of being able to breathe again after 20 years of my life.

*

Then just today, after a whole year worth of deliberation, discussion and thoughtful consideration.. I finally got accepted in a poly, into a course that I really wanted to do.

Nothing can express the joy and relief I felt. I just went through a whole year of despair, being the sorry nineteen year old depressed boy to the reborn twenty year old man.

As much as I love to tell my grandma how happy I am after so long, I know I can't, but I believe she already knows ♥. I'm so glad for everyone who made me stronger for the past twelve months, my family, my bestfriends- my mom and ayin, my close friends for 8 years, and everyone else really.

I'm also so thankful that my soulmate Ayin was there to witness first hand how happy and stunned I was when I got the results. She was there every single time I had to shed a tear. Though she might freak out and not know what do most of the time, she's the one who's always there to understand and make me feel better at the end of the day, and she was the one I shed tears tonight with when I realised I have gone thru a melancholic year and still surviving in the end. "You deserve it Shahari, you've worked too hard too long to get here. You went through so much pain only to be happy at the end. Celebrate tonight." ♥♥♥

And as for my mom - it's pretty evident this bestfriend of mine has been my pillar of strength, faith and love when everything fell apart. We went through so much together, that I will give her the love I can afford till the end of time. Nothing much to say, really, she has been there whenever I needed her most, even in the most painful ways.

Nah, I won't celebrate. I'm just going to get some sleep. Very peaceful sleep. I've found that peace I've longed for so long.

After having spent my time waiting for that second chance, I've finally found some peace tonight. I made it out of the rain.

Thank you God.

Port Dickson - One Heaven Of A Trip

2010-02-16T04:17:00.007+08:00

View public Facebook photos of our trip by clicking the following picture:

Port Dickson is a beach and holiday destination situated about 32 km from Seremban. It is located in the state of Negeri Sembilan in Peninsular Malaysia.

Our 4-hour (+2hour traffic) drive from Singapore was worth it. Our stay at The Legend Water Chalet Hotel was one experience we will never forget. The amazing premium room that fits at least ten has two king sized beds, a balcony view of the clear ocean and the sunset at 1920hrs, an open bathroom with a faux-jacuzzi + shower and very comfortable lodging made us feel special.

The local coffeeshop(s) was another experience on it's own. What they lack in customer service, they definitely suffice in amazing local dishes.

The beaches showcase the ocean floor's tresures- aftermath of the December tsunami - live crabs, salamanders, sea cucumbers and hermit crabs, although, walking 200 metres from shore to the water is quite tedious. The best part would be our life-threatening experiences in the Jetski and GoKart. They may sound ordinary, but the locals sure know how to turn it into a deathride. Going against the strong currents into the open sea, one might wonder when you would see land again albeit the fact that you might just fall off and join the previous victims of the tsunami, or drift your way into the forest for simply applying little pressure on the breaks.

Another tourist attraction would be the Eagle Ranch - a small countryside resort that conceptualizes western texas culture. Lodgings include log cabins and red Indian tents.

And of course, the night markets provide us with a chance to mingle with the locals accented with thick Negeri Sembilan tonic, and purchase local crafts at very low prices.

We've been to A'famosa Resort Malacca twice before, and since Malacca was on the way back, we figured.. why not? At least we got pictures with the snake and the elephants :D

Overall, our 3D2N trip was so amazing, I wouldn't mind going back again. Albeit the really terrible customer service (in the rural areas of course), and the lack of technology, Port Dickson relieves us of the stress, anguish, and pain Singapore has laid down upon us. And now we're back here again. Oh shit.

Oh and yeah, Happy CNY and Valentine's day if you will - the locals have a way of reminding us that with fireworks (or the fact that the hotel staff gave us complimentary chocolates in a traditional Chinese.. thingy.. in celebration of CNY and Valentines).

You know, being in Malaysia makes us Singaporean realise how tough it is being non-Singaporean. They live in tough conditions, tons of bacteria, ultra humid weather, lack of clean water, bad customer service and definitely bad navigation and cleanliness. Goes to show that we Singaporeans are really spoilt and pampered.

Hmm. It was a very insightful, delightful and peaceful experience, but I think I prefer being really spolit and pampered. LOL.

GOD BLESS PD ♥

A New Decade

2010-02-08T12:05:00.006+08:00

Before I catch another 2 hours of sleep and proceeding to work after that, I would like the whole world to know that I have turned twenty just yesterday.

Of course, I've seen better birthdays, but it's beautiful nonetheless.

Twenty years? Hmm.. it's quite difficult to believe that I've finally stepped out of teenhood. True, being twenty is just another number, just another year older, but I suppose it also means that I'm just a few more steps ahead before I have to make the decisions in life.

Sigh. I'm not gonna be one of those people who go about saying that twenty years have been splendid, they can't wait to turn into adults, free of parents, and party all night long kinda thing. I haven't seen good years. But I suppose those bad years calculated actually made me who I am today.

There's also some significance with the dates around my birthday. I've mentioned this before, but it makes even more sense, or shall I say, creep me out even more when I first failed to notice:

7th January 1989 - Parents got married
7th January 2006 - Moved into AMK because of parents separation

7th February 1990 - I was born
8th February 2005 - Parents got divorced (yes, right after my birthday)
8th February 2010 - JPAE (ITE) application day

9th February 2010 - Grandma's 100th day anniversary

It's pure coincidence, I know. But it's significance doesn't help in the process of healing the sorrows away.

Speaking of grandma, I went to my dad's house for my birthday, and went straight to what used to be my grandma's bedroom to change. While I was looking for my clothes, I got curious and looked into my grandma's old wardrobe.

Her clothes are still there.

All hung neatly and ironed to the edges that made it seem like she was still alive. And her clothes still smells of her. I couldn't help myself but cry. I just kept crying and crying and looking over what used to be her bed. It's still so hard to accept the fact that she's really really gone. That she didn't see me turn twenty. I was that close to just losing it, and I tried so hard to stop, but I kept going. I miss her so much.

I'm not asking anyone to understand or sympathize with what I go through everyday. Yes, I may talk about her every now and then. Yes, I may tear up without realizing every now and then. The thing is.. you've never lost someone so dear to you before. Someone really close to your heart.

And yes, our other friends may have lost people too, someone closer in fact, but that doesn't make the pain or the level of wanting to be heard any different. Death isn't about a comparison. When you lose someone, you lose someone, no matter who that person might be to you.

Like I said, I don't want to be understood. I've spent twenty years trying to get people to walk around in my shoes, in my individuality and gender that I don't care anymore if you call me some emotional and self-revolved moron. But just one thing, I ask.. is to hear me out.

Speaking of the 8th of Feb, the day my parents got divorced. I suppose that significant date 5 years ago (and yes, I haven't forgiven them for separating right after my birthday), eventually leads to a better day. A few minutes ago, I submitted my second application for poly.

It's funny how things work huh? It's like, being given another chance to do better. Hmm. Well, hopefully 2010 will work out the way I got it planned. This definitely will be a better decade for me. :)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2010-01-27T01:50:00.003+08:00

Good God. You're all fucking morons. You think highly of yourselves and never once cared what the others might go through. Best part is, idiots like you assume shit about people like me without even confronting me first. I applaud to your stupidity.

I don't give a shit about your fucking emotions and awkwardness because why? You never cared about mine anyway. You make it seem like it's my fault that you're too chicken shit to admit that you're such a wimp, not being able to have a decent and mature conversation. What's best is that they're all fucking LIES that you used against me just so you would feel that there would be someone to blame for your own selfish, condescending and best of all, presumptuous behaviour. GROW UP.

And fuck YOU for being a fucking stereotype king without even knowing how I fucking go through life. People like you make this social stigma around people like me never ever die. If you weren't of such a position I would have fucking punched your balls and prove to you that I am as much of a man as you are. Stop looking down upon me like some kid because I'd fucking stab your chest out if you ever touch mine again. One day, I would step on your asshole you won't fucking shit for a week, brother.

I HATE PEOPLE WHO THINK BETTER OF THEMSELVES AND LOOK DOWN UPON OTHERS. SCREW YOU.

Butterflies

2010-01-21T03:18:00.008+08:00

Life has been quiet of late. These days, I wake up, freshen up, go to work, eat, go home, sleep. Like a walking robot. Funny thing is, I don't feel all jaded and emotional about things as much as I want them to be, and I'm quite pleased that I don't really face drama and self-pity nowadays.

One thing I do look forward to every morning: Butterflies.

Those times when I feel sad about my grandma, I'd just sit by My Lonely Corner and talk to the tree outside my window. What better way to connect with nature than talking to them? I know it sounds crazy, but it seems so peaceful too. This particular tree had flowers blooming all over, and the best part is - they have pretty butterflies fluttering all around. I guess it's an indication that my grandma sent them there to make me feel at ease.

But lately.. it has been raining a lot, so the flowers are flooded away.. so the butterflies are gone too. I guess it's time that I can't rely on my grandma to seek solitude anymore, but then again I slowly don't think of my grandma as much, which is good which means to say I'm really moving on, lamentable because I feel like I shouldn't. But the better part of me believes that my grandma is happier if we all move along.

In other news; I've been promoted to a receptionist from a towel boy, which I'm frankly very half-hearted about it. I mean, yeah it's better than being a towel boy, what with my experience and all, but just three days into the job, bad memories of True Fitness, Fitness First, and True Yoga keep replaying in my dreams, and I can already see dark clouds gathering quickly in California Fitness. I guess I just have to be strong and firm and get ready to face challenges but thank God, Yatee's there to guide me.

But heck, I'm just waiting for JPAE 2010 to apply for poly once again.

:) Finally, a year has passed. This time I shan't make rash decisions and apply wisely.

1) NYP - Business Management
2) NP - Business Studies
3) RP - Integrated Events Management
4) SP - Integrated Events and Project
5) RP - Business Applications

Insha'allah, I can finally announce to the world: "After 3 years of waiting, Shahari Suhaimi has finally been accepted into Poly." :) I really hope it's NYP, and I really hope this time that I'll be crying.. for joy. I truly believe I deserve this.

Maybe those butterflies will come back when I am accepted. ♥

Charmed

2010-01-13T02:46:00.003+08:00

They made fun of me whenever I cast protective circles and lucky salt around me whenever I feel scared, they teased how I had books of spells I was ready to whip out, waving around my pseudo-wand made of an extremely large pencil yelling "Riddikulus!" every now and then, but heck at least I know I could orb from one staircase landing to another (the one below it anyway).

But.. as naive and childish as those days were for me, I really thank them for making me stronger today.

I used to fear what mommy dearest used to tell me about monsters and the white lady when I was a kid. And like every other adolescent, once in a black moon I'd wake up screaming from dreams of me falling from the sky, or running away from an evil being without being able to physically move from the spot, or getting clawed at by your dead grandmother.

Charmed, Harry Potter, LOTR, Narnia, taught me one lesson in life: Be brave. Be very brave.

Spells, potions, curses, jinxes, knives, swords, cloaks.. these things I play around with while I was growing, in my own fantasy world pretending I could fly, or walk through walls, or combust someone with a wave of my hand taught me how to be brave. It made me think of how I had the power to destroy something bad.

Of course, I don't rely on spells, potions, curses, jinxes, knives, swords, cloaks etc anymore, but I do trust my ability to pray. To believe in God, trusting that His power is more than enough to help me overcome monsters and Satan, but mostly, overcome fear.

Fear is what many people nowadays live by, be it traditional fear (fear in which you are brought up in an environment which practises actual magick or at least believing in them) or pressure fear (believing in ghosts and mythical beings because your community made you to believe, think Misteri Jam12), but thankfully for me and my family, we don't really believe in either.

So because of the strength my family gave me, I don't feel afraid or fearful about the 'others'. After all, these things are God's creations too. Why should we fear them, because you know what? We are practically equal to them.

So going back to my fantasy world, my childish belief that I have THE power, made me realize that God gave me power. Power equal to his love. After all, God made me in the image of Him and therefore I can stop whatever I don't wish to see. I used to dream of falling, being chased around by an evil maniac etc, but now when I do have those dreams, I turn around and fight. I fight, I pray, I kick, I slash, and I'd make sure I'll be the last man standing.

Those evil dreams don't bother me anymore. Well not entirely, but I shan't go into details.

Me wanting to learn about fantasy, made me learn more about God and His ways, and trust me, I can spend hours just finding out more about Our power of love. True, throughout my pre-eighteen years, I've been to places many were very disappointed of, but you know what? I don't care. I treasure those times when I've been to church or whatsoever because in years to come, I've accomplished what I've always wanted to do - to learn about other beliefs.

My knowledge in other faiths has gotten me more confident of God, and Godblessit (I won't say damnit lol), I am more appreciative of cultures around me, albeit weird or sacrilegious.

And as I've mentioned before, things happen because you want them to happen. Manifestations happen, because you WANT it to happen. If you choose to put your trust in God, and believing that you have equal power to go against it.. these 'spirits' wouldn't appear before you. Even if they do, fuck them, kick them in their gut la.

I'm glad my strengths and trust got me a very peaceful and loved environment throughout the years. :)

Charmed, much. ;)

The End of 2009

2010-01-02T01:42:00.003+08:00

To make it really simple: 2009 was not a good year for me. At all.

For a start, the amount of entries I have on blogspot for 2009 is very little. That goes to show that most of the time, I spend time depressing over little things and not bothering to update anyone about life, because life is about the same.

The put things crudely, I've wasted one whole year doing absolutely nothing.

Of course at the beginning of the year it was pretty okay, nothing special, but pretty okay, because I was still in school and I was enjoying my last few months in it with all my friends I've met then. I've had crushes and infatuations especially for a boy I named 'Hero', and I shan't mention why.

After I've gotten my JPAE results, I was devastated. I remembered spending countless nights trying to send appeal after appeal after appeal to all the schools in Singapore to accept me. Alas, I didn't get into any schools. Ayin, on the other hand, got into school. Again, I shan't mention why.

While Ayin's busy getting used to school again and making lots of new friends, I was busy scouting for jobs even though I never wanted to work. I started off at Spinelli, hated that, followed by Appco, left after a week, True Yoga, transferred to True Fitness after 3 days, (twas the most horrible 3 months of my life: getting yelled at all the time and screwing up at work because your colleagues make you feel like shit), Fitness First, which I left after a month because of stupid reasons even though I was actually happier that month for the first time in a long time.

Because of work, I spend less and less time with my family. But one thing's for sure, at least I got much much much closer to my mom. :)

And towards the end of the year, I'm a towel attendant for California Fitness. Well I like the job, really, cos it brings me closer to Yatee.

Speaking of Yatee, for some odd reason, me, Yatee and Nura are closer than ever in 2009. We always hung out alot, and these girls were there for me most of the time when I'm down. Usually what I do when I'm down is to drown in alcohol until I can't see dawn. I got drunk at my first week of work, sia. But these girls have always been there when Ayin couldn't because she had school and shit. I'm not blaming her or anything like that, it's good that she's in school.

My expressos have drifted apart, but during those random times that we meet, it's nice to catch up again. But I guess once we turn twenty, your group of friends drift off quickly anyway. Sigh.

I met new people like Nigel and Fin, and I had a crush on Nigel once, twice, a few times O_o but in the end I think it's nice that he's very open-minded about it and we're still friends. :)

The worst thing that happened in 2009? My grandmother passed away. Enough said.

I don't even want to keep mentioning why my grandmother meant so much to me, much of it has been written all over the place in my blogs, my facebook, my livejournal, etc.

Oh and only recently I realised that I didn't get into Poly because the courses I picked had low-intake. The others got into courses with high-intake. Shit.

So overall, nope. I never had a good year. Most of the time I spent myself getting drunk, being upset, crying crying and more crying, gaining weight, losing weight quickly, and then gaining weight again.

To top it all off, I wasn't even in any relationships or dates and I only had sex once this year. To hell with that - I don't even have any major crushes or infatuations except for Nigel.

Now it's the new decade, I really hope for the best. I really don't believe in resolutions, but I do believe that I'm gonna start living life a bit better for myself. For one, Poly application is already so near yet so far, and I pray that this time I do get into school. Two, I have a pretty stable job I believe and Cali has awesome colleagues considering that they're old and less judgmental, and best of all I have my bestfriend Yatee.

Hopefully, I'll get into NYP and meet new friends, infatuations, and get closer to my friends again especially Ayin, because really, I miss her and I don't even want to think about what's gonna happen if I didn't get into school at all, once again.

I pray that I get my car license soon, so I can drive home from 2010 NYE. Lol. Really needs to lose weight. Pick up a few dance classes and learn something new.

That's about all I wish for really. And if it's too much to ask, I pray my parents will get back together, or the very least, find love again with their own partners.

Goodbye 2009, hello Mr Twenty.

Playing god

2009-12-23T13:29:00.003+08:00

Sometimes giving in is the best solution when it comes to family. Even though you may be right, or wrong, you tend to want to defend yourself and not put yourself in the wrong. I guess it goes the same way for every family. But since everyone's defending themselves, I suppose giving in is the best option. Be totally ignorant of what's important, and then pretending nothing ever happened so that your family ties bond tighter.

Until the next argument, however, we all tend to dig up what we ignored before, and throw it in their face, and then this cycle begins all over again like a megaplume. Rotary, and ascending in heat.

So for me, once I've had enough, it's enough. I don't want this to boil over like a freaking volcano. I'm on the verge of exploding, I swear, when nobody in the household gives a shit to where you are and a simple matter of "How was your day?" anymore, and the fact that on your off days, your members judge you for sleeping in.

So yes, my friends, ignorance is my new best friend. Ignorance is bliss, ignorance brings me to SupperClub tonight because ignorance tears us apart.

Btw, congrats to Syafiqah for getting into Deyi. It's too bad I didn't find out from your own mouth, but from your blog.

Exhausted

2009-12-22T03:32:00.005+08:00

I don't know why, but upon looking at his photos, I just had the sudden motivation to work out. That, I've been doing the past two days. I honestly feel really good after working out - running on the treadmill, stepping on the.. stepper, and lifting weights. And then for a relaxing session in the steam bath.

Of course, eating after that gets me nowhere, so I've been food-conscious lately.

I guess it feels good to be fitter every day, and although I met not lose weight, at least I know I'm more flexible and stronger.

Anyways, I've been partying ALOT and it's making me sad. I come home late at night almost everyday (due to work and lepak) and I feel disconnected from my family. Again. This happens every time I have a shift-work job. Sigh.

I don't even know what the hell my family is up to lately.

Oh well, I'm sleeping over my dad's place this week, hoping to catch up and fill in on everything in life. :)

Supperclub Wednesday?..hmm.

Goodbye Sweetie

2009-12-16T01:25:00.004+08:00

Will I die from heart failure?

CHOY.

I don't know, I guess I've been thinking too much about grandma and Yatee's dad, I sometimes (most of the time, actually) feel that I will die young, and most likely from heart failure.

Face it, I'm a heavy smoker, and I never fully recovered from ED(s), and my hands are itching to overdose on that Duromine, but my wallet says no. So yes, probably from heart problems. Once again, my mouth and lungs are itching for tobacco, but my wallet says no.

Death isn't scary to me. It's just sad, I suppose. Part of me wants to be selfish, not move on with life, die, meet God, meet nenek, and leave this miserable materialistic diplomatic world behind - basically just taking the easy route and give up.

Still the other part(s), wants to fight for my family, fight for my friends, fight for peace, justice and equality. Progress for our nation. O_o Ok no, more of I can't bear to not physically be there for my loved ones every step of the way. I want to see my friends, sisters, heck my mom married, have children, grandchildren, or wait.. see my sisters have a stable job, la.

Besides, what really happens when we die? Yeah, our brain cells die, so what happens to our soul? I read the Lost Symbol by Dan Brown, and found that it might be possible that we can weigh our soul by a few nanograms. Hmm..

Defining God today (just in case you guys wonder again on my religious stand), it still remains - I practise Islam.

I'm Muslim. But am I religious? No. I'm simply labelled a Muslim, but in my case, I choose not to believe certain dogma because it simply puts Allah in a cruel way. Do I pray? Yes. But not five times a day, I pray when I feel closest to God, that I have this urge to worship, talk, and listen to Him. Do I drink? No. Not because of religion, but because alcohol will make us all go loopy and we might never know when we'd die. (I went drinking the day before my nenek had a fall).

I think God is more understanding than most of us ever claim Him to be. One may argue that it's merely blind faith we are so engrossed with, but I guess blind faith gives everyone strength, wisdom and possibly love for others and for oneself. So is it being ignorant? Nahh more of trusting the voices you make up in your heart even though it might not be God, but putting belief that it really is Him. It keeps life moving.

Even if believing in God may be ignorant to the rest of the obvious flaws in religion, but hey, ignorance is bliss. It's how you want to believe in God, Allah, Christ, Buddha, Krishna, Gandhi, Einstein.. you get the drift.

Work at 6PM later! :)

Cloudy Afternoon

2009-12-11T10:04:00.005+08:00

Wow I'm actually starting work today as a towel attendant after being jobless for two months. Now I finally can start saving and spending my own money, yay. I think I'm just going to save up my pay, and use my money on ~~food~~ cigarettes and water.

I don't think I'll be doing any shopping, OR, I'd just buy something nice for my dad's coming birthday. To Sharifah, if you're reading this, I'm sorry I can't get you a gift this year, just like last year, when I promised to get you a P.O.D album, I don't think I'll get much this month anyway.

I think I should save up for my birthday as well! Maybe I can buy me a Macbook and finally have a computer of my own. Or I should get myself one of those terabyte HDs (1000GB yo!). Haha, at least my parents would stop yakking at me about finance.

Ah yes, my dream. Strangely for the past two days I've been waking up at nine-ten ish. Strangely early I know. And for some absurd reason, I've been dreaming about people I've missed so much. Like two days ago, I dreamt about him. I don't remember what it was about, I knew specifically that the entire dream was about him.

Today, I woke up remembering every detail of last night's dream. I dreamt about Nenek. I dreamt I was pushing her around in her wheelchair, bringing her to places I always did - a mall, a park, a museum, always trying my best to put a smile on her face. I even forgot that she isn't here anymore. We carried her up the stairs, my sisters and I.. mom wasn't there though. Dad was. Hmmm..

I also remembered I dreamt about being an actor - one of my most accomplished dream, but not quite there yet. I dreamt I was acting alongside Adrian Pang, Joakim Gomez[?] O_o, some lady actors I'm not entirely sure of, and we acted as lego firemen clearing out a fire, and meeting some doppelgangers (A ghostly double of a living person that haunts its living counterpart).

It was funny, I remembered laughing at my other half. My mouth was wide open, and I went, "Iiiiiii ammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....... Shah.(abruptly)" and everyone started laughing haha. I also remembered I had super long hair. Awesome possum.

Sigh, I guess it was all just a dream. Now to get back to folding towels.

Oh btw, I've been quite active on Stickam lately, either dancing, or listening to songs, or just talking about topics I feel everyone has to listen to. So if you're free, do check it out. :D

Most of the time when I'm live on cam, I will update it on my twitter, so if you haven't followed me, follow me already! Twitter: ShahariSuhaimi

Awesome Possum.

2009-12-07T10:39:00.004+08:00

Omg no. I can't believe I accepted the job offer which I rejected the very first time, about like what? 5 months ago? Hahaha, I guess the saying goes, "We're back to Square One."

It's funny when I think about it, I have been jobless for two months, and now in times of desperation because 1) I'm broke 2) I'm so bored at home 3) I'm getting fatter eating every hour at home, I decide to take up the job which I so didn't want to do in the first place.

But oh well, at least my bestfriend is my colleague so she can be there for me when I have trouble getting used to working there. What more when my previous three jobs are heavily involved in towels, and now I'm gonna be looking at them the whole damn day! Yay! O_O

Hahahaha tickle me silly, but it just hit me this morning when the HR called me up to tell me to come sign the contract within this week that I will now have worked at 4 fitness centres. All 4 major fitness centres in Singapore. Awesome Possum. Yet, I have not lost any significant amount of fat. LOL

At least now, I am not doing front desk, I'm just handling towels. No more member issues, no more complaints, no more 24/7 phone calls, no more handling enquiries, no more collecting payment, no more taking in bullshit from the sales team. Awesome Possum (stfu). All that nonsense will be handled by my bestfriend from the front of house. Wahahahahaha.

To think I'm earning $1 less than the part-time recep(s). Can't wait to start work! :D

Awesome Possum.

Joy To The World

2009-12-03T20:08:00.005+08:00

Yeah, I know Muslims don't celebrate Christmas, but hey, Christmas is a holiday anyway, and I'm excited. I don't even know what I'm excited about but when I listened to David Archuleta's new album "Christmas From The Heart", I fell in ♥ with his voice (as usual), in love with the songs, and therefore, in love with Christmas.

I've celebrated Christmas before, and I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with just a gathering of friends exchanging gifts, and wearing nice clothes. Kind of like Eid celebrations in a way. True Christians celebrate the beginning of a new light - Jesus Christ being born onto the world from the Virgin Mary. Muslims should not forget and regard that too, that our Prophet (pbuh) was born 2000 years ago on the 25th of December.

But hey, it's not like we're celebrating Jesus as Lord, neither are we celebrating it in any special significance to religion, but I think for non-christians alike, we celebrate Christmas for the sake of a social, harmless, peaceful gathering.

Can't wait for Christmas!

We will never say bye-bye.

2009-11-28T16:03:00.004+08:00

Death is inevitable. I never realised how common the usage of this phrase is, only because it's true. It's been twenty days since Nenek left me, and tears now are like a knee-jerker everytime her voice comes in my head. Especially when I go through videos of mine for the sake of boredom, and I come across this to make me cry all over again.

Twenty days is too far short to forget someone. Not when it took close to 5 years to forget someone as well. So it's definitely waay too short when my closest friend in the world calls me up from overseas to inform me that her father just passed away.

I'm so sorry love that it had to happen. I'm sorry that he left you and went back to Allah. Fly to up to where he is in the distant star, we all pray and we wish upon tonight to see them smile, if only for a while to know they're there, a breath away's not far to where they are. ♥ -Josh Groban

I teared when I got her call, because just yesterday I was thinking about death, how death can just come upon us anytime, anywhere. I'm not scared of death, or pain, but I'm so scared if I leave my family behind, and I don't leave them memories, I want to be there. That's why I believe Nenek is still there with me everywhere I go.

So it's soooo depressing when I got the call to know that your father left you too. It's one thing to lose a grandparent, it's another to lose a father. Remember, your father isn't the one who gave life to you, but your father is the one who took care and loved you for the past twenty years of your life. It hurts to lose this person we love so much.

Death can take us anytime. I don't want it take of anyone else in my life, not my friends, not my family, especially when we didn't see it coming. Yet, we have to face it. Death is inevitable, and it would take our love ones whenever it pleases. It's already written. At least, love, he passed and celebrated Eidl-Adha, at least you got to spend it with him. I spent it by the graveyard.

Just be strong, my love, I was there too. Have I moved on? No. Not even after twenty days. I will be there for you, I'll be strong for you, I'll be behind you all the way, if you ever need me. Now, what you need to do, is to ensure your mother receives love from you too, because hey, as much as you've lost your father, she lost her husband who has been there much longer. Give her the love he gave to you.

But always know, my dear, he will always be there to watch over you. ♥

I realised I have lots to talk about

2009-11-27T01:20:00.006+08:00

Wait, they don't love you like I love you. Ma-a-a-p-s. (Go figure)

It's sad when your friends and family tell you that you've gained weight so quickly. I admit defeat - I did gain so much weight for the past two months, I'm so afraid the weighing scale might outweigh me. I'm not blaming the fact that I'm jobless, or the fact that my mom cooks food I really like everyday although my sisters don't and they resort to instant noodles (no favouritism there, la) but I'm blaming myself for being such a lazy bum. I admit defeat.

Speaking of favouritism, I have to point out something to everyone who reads this. There is no favouritism in my family. Everyone treats everyone the same. I do not like it if someone said my parents are overspending on me, because frankly, I've been spending my own money for the past five working months. It's just that now I'm broke, and my room just came, so my parents decide to buy stuff for the room, quite obviously. But never say there is favouritism and I get my parents to buy me whatever I want, because previously, whatever I wanted I got it with my own money, thanks. Start to realise that they will be spending alot for you too, DOUBLE of you, for your room next.

Do not call me lazy if you say I don't look for a job, I do. I've searched and applied for more than 50 jobs, without getting any calls back, let's face it, I can't speak Mandarin. I won't resort to FNB or retail outlets, because I've had bad experience from Spinelli and Giordano. I get to work in the fitness centres by mere chance, not because I personally applied, I swear. Working 6 days a week for 5 months wasn't easy, and definitely wasn't lazy. Please respect that.

Speaking of my room..

My room is half-complete, I'm only left with getting my sofa bed, and just deco(s). Everything else is perfect. I just need to get rid of my old bed, it really cramps up the room. No matter how cozy you think it is, Ayin, I honestly feel claustrophobic with little space to walk and breathe. I haven't officially thanked my parents though, I think I might do that once it's completely done. They've put in so much money into my dream room. Well, hey, I haven't had my own room for 5 years, give me some credit to making it green, yea? Next it would be my sister's turn - reminder: your room will have lots to be spent on too.

Syafiqah got back her PSLE results yesterday, and wow, I can't believe how proud I am of her. She always had a hard time passing her Math, but it was such a teary moment when I saw her getting a 'C'. She got 186, more than enough for a place in N(A), so be it. My family wasn't expecting her to go to Express, cos even if she did (and she missed out by a few points), I think the stress level would literally kill her. My parents were so happy for her, really. I wished I could have done my parents proud during my O'Level Years, but I tried to do something good out of that by being duper-hardworking in ITE.

Now to you, and you know I'm referring to you.

You hate it when I nag at you. Well guess what? I'm only your older brother. You can't expect me to be like the other cool brothers your friends have who doesn't give a shit about what you do in life. I care deeply about you, I ♥ you, and despite for my lack of updates, I know you will still read my blog. Since that's what your peers these days are so interested in, I guess this is the only option I have to get my message across.

I've told you a million times that I want you to study, and as much as you have improved, it's only all written on paper. At the end of the day, this paper reveals IF you have studied well enough to get a better future AND I've told you a million times, I don't want you to end up like ME. Less than one year, and you will be leaving the school with pride and confidence, not scurrying away relieved that your O's are all over.

I tell you to do this and that, is just so that you know what you want to do, and how you want to build your future. Arts? Business? Nursing? I will be behind you all the way. But the first step to success is to actually have a goal. Right now, I don't think you have any. You need to make a decision soon. If you think you're gonna end up in ITE, might as well drop school and go there now. BUT if you think you're gonna be better than me, just like how you were better than me during PSLE, then buck up.

We're angry at you for your mass messaging even though it's free, only because you have to realise it's time to set aside your social life, and think of what's important - your education. Boyfriends, girlfriends, bitch fights, whatever it is that's so important to you right now has to stop. Focus and use your energy in books and writing rather than on your peers. This goes out to your stream of friends who are reading this as well - your life is short. Spend what's left of it wisely. Start with studying for your dreams and better yet, your paycheck. Take it from me.

You may support your sister only now with her personal life, but trust me when, you're as old as I am, and you're looking down upon her the way I do, you would want the best in her education as well.

I'm just sad that sometimes my actions (as well as my parents) can be seen as annoying, or blatant comparison, or plain naggy. Trust me, love, we won't nag at you if you start where you left off a year ago. You had so much time in your hands, you could have done something good to reflect at the end of the year, unlike me, who didn't go to school, got fired, and is probably going to live off his parents for the next few months until he finally gets back to study after one whole year without any education. Do you know how much I crave for that..?

At least I have these three whom I can relate to in times like these. No one except my mom can be as understanding as them. ♥

*

I only picked this up because Ayin and Fin mentioned that it tastes awesome after the ball is crushed. Well it tastes like mentos for a short while, but it just tastes like another chilled cigarette after it's gone. Not liking it. At least the box is nice. Still going back to Virginia, USA. Macam paham.

Bad Romance

2009-11-23T23:01:00.003+08:00

Even though it was barely less than 3 hours, I still had a goot time catching up with me Expressos, although Sharifah and Nasiha couldn't make it. Always happens that somebody can't show up but it's all good. The time will come again soon. Anyhows, I guess these bunch of friends oh whom we celebrated 7 years worth of friendship together are really the ones I turn to if I ever needed someone to talk to. I'm pretty sure if won't be those awkward situations as if we met people we don't know.

I really miss Sharifah and Nas.

Anyways, my pretty green room will be done really soon, in terms of furnishing anyway. All that is left is just a pair of curtains for my main windows, the 'L Bend' has been furnished with curtains this morning, I'm waiting for my sofa bed to arrive any day now, a small cupboard, a study table with a tiny stool, green rugs for the floor and the 'L Bend' and just lots and lots of deco. I'm still deciding on what to get though. Maybe I should get a new green lamp too. Teehee.

Well just needed to update a little bit about life before I forget what happens on the 23rd of November 2009.

Anyway, it really sucks that Asians like me get stigmatized in white countries like the US and Australia, I'm sure it bothers all of us..

..so why am I really bothered that there are Filipinos everywhere in our tiny little island. I just get irritated seeing them.

That was then

2009-11-16T01:46:00.003+08:00

"i wanna say tht i miss eu so much and i heart you always gurl"

It's funny how nostalgia works. I was just browsing through my archives which dates back to year 2005 a few minutes ago because I was that bored, realising how much I've actually grown physically, and emotionally. From writing like the above to the way I write my entries now really goes to show how much every individual will mature with age. For me anyway.

4 years ago, I was the 'diva' the pretend-to-have-it-all, the pseudopopular one, the 'biatch', the you-totally-raised-my-ratings (whatever ratings I had back then -_-), with a strong 400 readers/day, always so ignorant to avoid sensitive issues, failing to comply to blogging etiquette of professionalism.

Now, I'm the quiet, low-profile [?], forgotten, lonely, who-cares-about-ratings, always so depressed, 12 readers/day blogger, who thinks before he blogs about unwanted hearsay and misconception on how people will see him.

Some of us tend to be more childish or should I say - the doing things parents stopped you from doing when you were younger dilemma like late-night parties, drinkdramas, popularity, fashion, drugs.. considered as "IN" in an age when we near our second decade of adulthood. I guess, for me personally, I see myself shying away from these, because I've had a taste of most of it, that it's about time we start thinking about the lengths we go to satisfy our happyness or rather highness meter.

Like many, I have gone through so much pain, endurance, sacrifices, pretty much evident in my blog archives, and thankfully, there's nothing to regret with my past life? It's made me the man I am today.

I'm just saying, it's times like these I feel like there's more to life than just life.. or death.

I don't know.

The things I say these days are very incoherent, jumbled and confusing. Maybe that's the use of a blog after all. To quickly scribble down how you feel before the climax of your emotion (noetic science) fades away. Speaking of cli-stuff; I think there's a serious climate change in our world. Australia is so goddamn hot last I heard although I recalled wearing layers around this time the last I went, and Singapore has mysteriously become really cold of late. No, it's not the rain. It's just really different I swear.. like really cold.

I think I shall lay a new quote: "Don't give in to Death, let Death give in to you." I don't know. Past visits to the grave made me senile or verbs to what others might perceive as such, heh.

Oh btw, did you know that loafers actually mean 'Person who does no work' or 'Bum' or should the Malays call it - 'Penganggur'? Haha. I wear expensive loafers cos I fucking am one.

♥

Baby, I can feel your halo

2009-11-15T22:56:00.006+08:00

Pretty.

I know it's just the wind, and the vast amount of plain fields, resulting in your colorful wheels to turn, all very much scientific knowledge.

But when I came the second time round to change your tombstone sheets, when I said "Hi," I felt like you responded to me by spinning excitedly the minute I came. I couldn't help but smile. It could be God, it could be my grandmother, and it could just have simply been the wind, but hey, I felt a peaceful, endearing, lovable presence that I miss so much around me when it kept spinning.

I hope you always spin your colors whenever I come around. ♥

Shaddap, the world won't end in 2012.

2009-11-14T01:54:00.003+08:00

I wouldn't give my heart and soul to love 2012, because in the end, I just think about how much money was wasted on such a film when that money could have made greater impact if they touched more on issues that we could relate to.

(Spoiler alerts)
(Warning, my English is horrible in this. Didn't check my spelling, my grammar, my stanzas are like jumbled everywhere, I didn't put much thought to it, just wanted to jot everything down before I forget what I watched.)

In the beginning we see this man rushing down to India to find out that earth's core has been heating up the water system that in a matter of years, the world will destroy itself in some seismic rupture - tsunamis, volcanoes.. all that jazz.

Comparing it between Director Emmerich's two films - 2012 and The Day After Tomorrow, I'd say the latter was more relatable then 2012 was. So what's soo bad about 2012?

It's just really random and confusing when the black man was preparing for the happening. Within minutes the movie has jumped to year 2012 from 2009 which was very confusing and most of the time I couldn't understand what was going on. Sometimes I believe in an attempt to make the movie looked more "smarter" they use scientific knowledge in which most wouldn't know about and voila the world is going to end.

From reviews I've read, yes, they're right, there were too many moments I LOLed at and I don't think it was even meant to be funny to begin with. And did anyone notice that Emmerich was really updated because when the President stepped in the camera moved slowly upwards to his face and guess what - it's the Black President, woohoo. Who btw, I find a very stupid President to lead the country in times of need.

I think his daughter was pretty redundant to.

Which made me think really, that they have prepared 6 or 8 arcs to save only the rich, not being able to save everybody, as if the government really is hiding a secret from the world. I mean what's Emmerich's stand on this?

I didn't do a heart leap when the world starting destroying itself though, it's pretty much gonna end up the way the director wants us to think - dead. What I hate about it is the fact of how one family can survive near death experiences with one singular car surviving earthquakes, one singular jet plane flying in the sky while trains are flying in mid-air, one single lucky russian plane, flying all the way to China, while the rest of the 40billion people in the world die. It's much to cliche.

What's funny was when the main actor was in the trailer, and he nearly fell into like hot lava, and as the camera shoots near the edge, you see a cheesy cliche hand grabbing the edge and surviving something most wouldn't survive. Lol.

What I liked about it tho was how it makes me tear up with their family soap opera. The stepdad wanted to fly off already but the stepson said "Don't go! That's my father!" Even though he was calling his father by his name throughout the beginning of the movie.

It's kinda funny too that the crazy radio guy had a bloody map to go to China and Jackson just happened to be at Yellowstone who then just happened to steal the map and flee.

But I gotta admit the CGI effects were fantastic, they looked real and yes, scary. Tho, I expected more, after watching the trailer. They didn't mention much about the Mayan prophecy. I think it was mentioned for less than 16seconds and that was it? Huh.

And I really can't relate to the movie in any way, is it gonna make me stop polluting the environment? Oh wait, they didn't even mention about how the world started to destruct itself in the first place. It was more of it was bound to happen seeing that the earth will just end one day just like that. Unlike 'The Day After Tomorrow', the world actually destroyed itself because the Ozone layer depleted so much that the sun caused the polar icecaps to melt therefore causing a mass dump of freshwater to the earth which then led to another ice age, etc etc etc. So we can relate to that, you know?

And wahhh can selit daun lah Jackson, his ex-wife's husband died and minutes later he had to remove the thing stucked in the wheels causing the gate to not close, and then wham- titanic moment. People were already dying and we just had to wait for you to finish kissing and save the bloody ship.

And what the hell, the ending was so bloody cheesy. They got to see a new day, wow, a mass spread of ocean. But wait, apparently the earth's plates didn't breach as much as they predicted so Africa was rising again. HUH?!

Overall - the acting was bad, the script was bad, alot of scenes were redundant, it didn't relate to us in anyway, they completely missed out on the Mayan prophecy, cinematography was only good when we saw mount Everest (which btw is stupid too that just seconds after it collided the mountain, Jackson managed to save the whole goddamn arc by removing the thing at the gate.), it's too cliche, it's too-good-to-be-true since the hero NEVER dies, it doesn't make sense.

The only good thing about the movie is that we laughed at parts we shouldn't laugh at and the CGI effects were fucking awesome. THAT, you can relate. You can actually feel like you're there and you're gonna die anytime soon.

But you won't fucking die, why? Cos the director will make you miss death by a split second takeover the ground in a fucking plane. Twice. And a limo too.

Long And Winding Journey

2009-11-11T03:12:00.001+08:00

Slowly but surely, I have picked up the pieces. My grandmother who now resides in Heaven is probably having the time of her life.

But she's not alone. No, I don't just mean that God is there for her.

My grandmother's bestfriend - her younger sister, who passed away a few years back must have welcomed her by the gates of Heaven with all the other angels. Ameen. :)

What's strange about it is that.. my second-cousin, dreamt of them long before things happened. She dreamt that she was in a mall, walking along minding her own business, and then in the middle of nowhere, a giant spectrum of light floating in mid-air. It was Heavenly, it smelled of flowers that will never fade, trees that forever blossom, and in this "heaven", she saw my grandmother, and her younger sister, Nek Misah (my second-cousin's grandmother), walking (take note, my grandmother has limited abilities in walking when she was alive), taking a stroll, laughing, smiling, and they never seemed happier.

My second-cousin then walked towards it, feeling all light and happy, and that there could never be another beautiful and peaceful place, but as she tried to step into that place, she was blocked by some invisible barrier, stopping her from entering.

"What is this?" she cried. Yet before she could say anything further, the two grannies waved at her and told her to go home, that it wasn't time for her to come in yet. As my cousin turned to walk away, she saw and felt the area around her black, dying and melancholic. This was when she realised, this was the real world.

..and she had this dream way before my grandmother died.

Sometimes, coincidence can be too good to be true, and that you would rely on strong faith to believe in such. I'm still a liddle confused, but one thing's for sure, I know now she won't be lonely in Heaven, even though I really miss her. :)

Life has to move on I suppose.

Fall

2009-11-04T00:37:00.005+08:00

Fish, was the last thing we talked about. Piranhas, sharks, electric eels, man-eating snakes, tarantulas, scorpions that poisoned her village when she was younger.

That was my last goodbye. That was my last hug. That was my last kiss.. before you left me.

I still remember your toothless grin whenever I come knocking on the door, bringing you your favourite wheel potato crackers where I'd sit by your walking stick talking about how salty they were.

You'd make me eat once every hour, because you know I can never get enough of your Red Curry Chicken. I even brought them to work once, and that was the last time I ever had that.

You'd cook for me when I'd say I might be dropping by, and in the end a whole pot of chicken will be left untouched because I would somehow be delayed or had other things to attend to.. I never got to apologise to your for that.

Back in your stronger days, you always brought me my paper thosai because you know I loved that too.

You never want to sleep while we're still around even though I knew you were sleepy, you always waited till we went home. When we drive off from the carpark, I know I'll see you waving at us by the kitchen window.. yet tonight, you weren't there.

Back at Toa Payoh, you would wait by the sidewalk till we drove off just to wave goodbye at me. Now it's my turn to say goodbye to you.

You couldn't wait to see me be born into this miserable world so much, but you saw so much happiness in me. In fact, you gave me my name. Instantly, I became your favourite grandson, and you, my only grandma.

So it hurts so much when you go. It hurts so much that I don't get to see your beautiful, toothless grin when I come knocking on your door. It hurts so much to see an empty sofa without a walking stick by the side, it hurts that you didn't wave goodbye.

No other cousin of mine feels the way I feel. I've lost somebody who meant the world to me. I've lost the one woman in my life who will never raise her voice at me, even though I can be such a bastard at times.

I didn't even get to see your eyes open at the hospital.

She always told me, "Call your dad, he misses you, call him, he's lonely, visit your dad, it would cheer him up, visit me, I just came out of the hospital." I never knew that those words would create such an impact as I'm jotting this down.

And I'd remember back when I was little, I told you I'd be a road sweeper as well so you would be less tired, you'd rest, and I'd do all the work for you. ("Nanti Shahari besar, Shahari pun nak jadi orang sapu sampah, boleh tolong nenek, jadi nenek tak penat.")

*

A fall. A bloody fall. A fall was all it took for God to take you away from me, to take anyone from me. Now that my dad lives alone, what happens if he fell and I didn't know? What would be the last words I say to him before it happens?

So please.. if you had to be clumsy, don't say "Mak aku jatuh, eh pocot nenek aku jatuh.." do you really want that to happen?

Don't ever argue with your mom, for whatever reasons, cos you will regret it when things would suddenly happen.

"From dust you came, to dust you shall return." So my little yellow rose will accompany you by the dust. My yellow rose will be your friend because you always loved flowers. I'll bring you a different one everyday.

Yet somehow.. when I saw you taking a sniff of the ground.. you looked so peaceful, and there and then I knew that you don't need us to pray for you. Why? Because I know.. you're already in heaven. You were made by the flowers of heaven.

I miss you nek, I really miss you. But I know, God loves you more than I do, so I shall submit to Him, I know our Lord won't disappoint either of us.

Assalamualaikum, nenek Minah binte Yasin. May Allah hug you whenever you feel lonely up there for me.

Al- Fatihah

2009-11-02T07:36:00.001+08:00

R.I.P. Grandma Minah Binti Yasin.

The fight is now over, my love. ♥

Hi everyone, my beloved grandmother just passed away today at about 6am. Spare a moment for the dear departed. :( :( :( I miss you nenek. You were the last of my grandparents. I know now that Allah loves you more and wants you to be with Him.

You Are The Only Exception ♥

2009-10-15T03:00:00.001+08:00

Think of me when you're out, when you're out there
I'll beg you nice from my knees
And when the world treats you way too fairly
Well it's a shame I'm a dream

I could follow you to the beginning
And just relive the start
And maybe then we'll remember to slow down
To all of our favorite parts

All I wanted was you

Mad World

2009-10-12T02:07:00.011+08:00

Because we are sew cool.

*

On a serious note -

I can't sleep, so I guess blogging helps therapeutically. Yeah, I've been pretty down of late, thinking, swearing, pitying, drowning myself with Hoes @ the Gaarden (lol), and I'm still tired, although I have been lazing around at home for the past 4 days.

My $income$ is slowly depleting, I can only wish that I would remain cooped up for the next two weeks till my pay comes in, really. But I do need to get out, get some air and find a job. My body wants to work, but I keep forcing myself to take a break, and clear my head.

On a side note: Gosh I've been spending alot on myself. Clothes + My hair mainly. But at least I know, I spend it based on my hard-earned money, not by holding out a hand to my mother. O_o

I mentioned that I'm really thankful for my friends, and I really am. We've been through so much shit close to 8 years now, those of which I can really call Best Friends, not forgetting my mom- She's my #1 bestfriend.

I'm glad I've matured from the stage in which I wanna keep dating guys, or meeting them for some dirty business, in which I find it all so very foul now, if I do meet someone, I'm into settling down and bringing him or her to meet my family.

I'm also glad that I've never had vogue-bapok days, yes - I may not be fit and slim, but I'm not extreme gayboy either. I'm thankful I was never interested in dancing around like a slutty fag and join a dance crew because that's what stereotypical homos do. Neither do I like Hip hop/RNB, sorraye, I'm an Indie/Rock/House/Pop Culture kinda guy. I'm a simple, maybe a liddle overdressed, arrogant asshole, who goes through life like every other straight person - wake up, eat, ~~work~~, the occasional exercise routine, sleep.

Safe to say, in terms of faggetclopedia, I've browsed through it without a sniff of envy, and thank GOD I'm more straight than most fags can ever be. Some may call me the homophobic homosexual I guess. I hate prissy, primadonna, vogue, ignorant, self-centred, obnoxious and most importantly oblivious faggaaaats. But I bet they can't understand half the words I just used in my blog. They only know how to speak with an accent (which may sometimes come off as Pinoy or just really bad Singahpolean pronunciation.)

I don't know why I decided to talk about that. Maybe it's the fact that I hate extreme homophobia, where gay people like me get stigmatized in such a way that all we ever want was cock. I guess that's why I lost my job. Office homophobia. Fucken backstabbing straight jerks. It sucks. Lol. I'm trying to prove a point, but it doesn't seem to cut across as understandable much.

I'm also soooo glad that I have these girls as sisters. I'm so glad that Shakinah is one tough bitch who may hang out around guys, but isn't some sluddy hoe. I'm really thankful that she stands up for her own family that she loves. I'm thankful that Syafiqah is one cant-be-bothered liddle grown up girl as well. She knows how to play it cool, and to keep it realin', only being her colourful self around her family. Alhamdulilah, I have these kids.

I guess, I've learnt that my motto in life, is to always be there for your bestfriends for life (BFFL LOL), and most importantly - family. There the ones who are there, and it's just rude to point fingers and names to them, that it's better to always be supportive in whatever they have or not have done for you. ♥ If anyone says shit about my family, I'll be sure to see to it that they would bite their tongue and regret - likewise, my family and friends would and always will do the same for me. Ameen.

Traffic's perfectly still

2009-10-09T19:13:00.000+08:00

What?!

2009-10-07T01:33:00.005+08:00

I've just been given two weeks termination letter. Yes, what the fuck.

To think I actually love working at fitness first, and I barely worked a month, I've been told to leave. I'm depressed.

Suraya - "How do you find working here?"
Shahari - "Enjoyable."

And I meant it.

The reasons why I was told to leave? I argued at the counter. Fine, I admit, it was wrong. Still I think a 1)verbal warning 2) warning letter 3)final warning would suffice.

I came back late from break, cos I fell asleep in the office. Fine, I admit it was wrong. Still I think a 1)verbal warning 2) warning letter 3)final warning would suffice.

Team uncomfortable with me around? Yes, I admit, I can be quite annoying at times, heck I'm the youngest. They didn't mention anything about being uncomfortable. But I don't think that terminating me is quite necessary. You could have just told me off.

Moodswings? Everyone has moodswings, but it doesn't affect how I do my work! I get pissed off when people make fun of me yes, but I don't think the way I work is any worst!

Reluctance to change shift? I don't think I was ever reluctant except for yesterday? In fact I don't think I was reluctant, I was just curious to know WHY I had to change shift! Do you know how many times I changed shifts with the others because they needed to? I DID. Was I reluctant? NO. It's just because of yesterday's abrupt and sudden call, that made you feel like "Oh, this is enough evidence to terminate him."

Hogging on the phone? Oh for pete's sake, everyone there hogs on the phone, you just don't know it, bro.

Fuck.

These things are sooo minor. If you really didn't like the way I am, you could have just given me warning letters. Face it. You're one fucking homophobe. If I was a girl, everyone there would like me, because it's easy trying to be all girly and stuff. But guess what, bro, this is just the way I am.

But I know what's your agenda.

You didn't wanna send Nisha off to Capital Tower. If I didn't come in, you would have made her full-timer anyway when Santhiya left. But guess what, you took ME in. Now that HQ was gonna send Nisha off to CT, you didn't want that to happen so you made her full-timer at my place. Plus, Halma was the only Senior CSO. They need more responsibilities. So someone had to go, why? Cos there were enough full-timers. So who did you send off? ME.

Those things you said were such perfect good excuses to cover up the shit you're in. You feel that it's easier kicking me around like a dog, just so you have a better team. Fuck you. I'm still on probation, and you didn't even give me a verbal warning. You just let me go. Fuck you, Suraya, fuck you.

I love my job. I LOVE IT. I said, my colleagues were the best colleagues I've EVER had, and you let me go. It's barely a month. Where the heck am I supposed to get another job so that I can survive for the next few months?! How the hell am I supposed to face my family?! The thing is, I try sooo hard to do things right at work, I try sooo hard not to repeat the mistakes I had at True Fitness.. and now this?!

The fact is, I didn't do anything so serious like steal company money, or bring down the name of Fitness First. I didn't.

Fuck you.

You know what's more depressing? Life.

I did well for ITE. Didn't get to school. I didn't do much wrong at work. I get fired.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Was it because I drank, God? Because I promised You I wouldn't drink if my life took a better turn? That I drank when I met Yatee and Fendi, not to get drunk, but just so they would shut up? Half a glass of bourbon coke. HALF. I barely tasted ANY alcohol. Is this why?

WHY DO U DO THIS TO ME. WHY MOTHAFUCKA WHY.

Takbiratul Eid'

2009-09-20T01:44:00.005+08:00

I cannot face reality, it's making me sad by the minute.

Dear Allah, please make it happier for me later.

I'll pray to You during Eid'Salah. Bless us, please. ♥

Eid? hmmm

2009-09-18T01:30:00.003+08:00

I know Eid is a time of celebration, yet I know that 2009 will be the most depressing Eid ever, something only my sisters and myself will understand. Some of you might know why. Eid is one issue I avoid talking about at all costs, I don't even wanna think about it. But with the whiffs of kek lapis baking in my house, I can't help but get pangs of sadness thinking that Eid is in two days time.

I promised that I won't talk about my family anymore, and I won't. But I guess it's about time everyone accepts that my family is no longer together, and that we cannot keep lying to clueless family members that we're still together. It's been 4 years, it's time to let go, I guess. Maybe that's why I'm not looking forward to Shalya's mom flying here either.

You might ask me, how do I manage to move on from our family's separation? Well.. I haven't. Accepting it is one thing, but living it is another. Get what I mean?

I wish.. well there's no point wishing.

Well, just in case I don't blog before malam raya, let me just wish all Muslims a wonderful and blessed Eid-l Fitri! ♥

It's a wonderful feeling
with the love in the room from the floor to the ceiling
its that time of year
Eid time is here
with the blessings from above
Allah sends his love
and every thing's okay
Eid Mubarak
its our holiday

Bitter Heart

2009-09-15T02:23:00.008+08:00

I spent my salary

Giving my mother money

Buying Eid shoes and hand bag for my sister(s) - must buy double lor

Bangles and earrings for my sister(s)

Toiletries

Lots of new clothes (thus the picture above)

My sister's birthday gift

It's completely mental. I've never spent so much money in a span of three days. Now I'm gonna have to survive the next three weeks with less than how I would survive on. Shit. But at least there's Eid to cover, so at least I will get money from my parents, and hopefully I can force my dad into giving me his Clothing Company Claim if I submit all my receipts to him! *prays*

Speaking of praying, I've been praying lately to God as in Allahﷲ, like a normal Muslim. I don't know why, but every time I Sola' I feel more sincere in praying instead of just clasping my hands together.

Ramadan made it even better for me to be more patient and just seek Him because I'll know he's there. That being said, I'm not religious, but I do believe in Allah. As in, I don't practise Islam as much as I believe in Islam - if you catch my drift.

If you must know, I quit drinking a looong time ago. ♥ Now I just need to tackle my smoking, and Alhamdulillah, my sticks have been dramatically reduced.

Speaking of sticks being reduced, I would like to talk about work at Fitness First ☺. The job scope is amazing, I swear, it's much simpler than True Fitness will ever be, and I'm happy that I can go home on time. I don't have to extend over 2 hours and not get any claim for that, but I can get them for Fitness First, yay!

My job scope is reduced by 50%, yet my pay has been increased by 50%?! How wonderful is that?! Plus the fact that it's in AMK, la! Can you imagine, I start work at 2.00PM, but I only wake up 30minutes earlier?! Good pay, less work, near distance, what's there to complain about?!..

..Customers. -_-

Cheebye, the one thing I hate about FF is the fact that the crowd at Raffles Place (RP) are completely different. From handling people of better manners, better clothes, better language, I have to entertain 60 year old aunties who bring market plastic bags to go shower. Chaocheebye. And trust me, handling an old fart with wrinkly abs at AMK is far worst than handling Donald Trump at RP.

Speaking of reducing my sticks.. Did you know that my cigarettes were stolen?

And I suspek kuat my colleague yang curi, wa'llah. I mean, I left my newly bought cigarettes, only had one during break, and left my sticks in the counter drawer while I work. Happy happy la, leave there, can trust my colleagues what. Then when I went home.. my box only had one stick left, and it looked tattered. What's worse.. the damn cigarette tak diketuk' and trust me I ALWAYS ketuk my cigarettes. *scratches head*

Lagi worse, we've apparently had cases of stuff going missing from out counter. It's either toyol, or colleagues' hands gatal cannot keep to themselves. I pick the latter.

My colleagues are.. different. I mean I do have to adapt and stuff, but they belong in a completely different world and.. I don't even mind not being able to connect. Put it this way, they hate house music, I love house music, I hate techno, they love techno, I go to Zirca, they go to Dbl O. End of story. ☺

Well whatever it is, I'm still happier being at FF than TF, albeit the fact that I really miss Jessa my Pinay friend from TF, but hey life has to move on. Oh hello! It's my sister's birthday today!

And.. Shalya's mom is coming this Friday. I'm.. not looking forward to it. I'm not looking forward to Eid either. She might know why. I'm working on that day too, sigh. I have new clothes tho. ☺

Gone

2009-09-08T00:43:00.003+08:00

The sunken eyes, the bated breaths, the heart crushing job, all the pain, all the shame, and all the worry, the fatigue.. of True Fitness.

FUCK YOU KANINA CHAO CHEEBYE PUKI SUNDAL TETEK OK BYE~!

I don't know what came of me. Lol. Sorry I'm just being childish. That said, I'm extremely happy that I have finally left True Fitness and joined Fitness First. Right about now, I'm too tired to say eveything about life, but one thing's for sure, I can feel it getting better already. Now that I'm getting paid 50% more, I can finally work, feel happier, and start worrying about getting to Poly. ♥

Now that I have more time, I'll start blogging more often. TTYL! (Tetek you lazat!)

Sike!